Epiphany

You know that really horrid feeling when you look at an article of clothing and think, "Hey, this is cute; I'm gonna wear it" and once said item is on, you feel completely disgusted by how you look?  Yaaaaa...I've had a few of those moments this year.  I've been trying really hard to eat healthier and watch my boredom eating.  I'm notorious for wanting to eat everything that looks vaguely delicious; therefore I try not to go grocery shopping alone anymore...especially when I'm hungry.  Yet no amount of working out or dieting has helped me lose the weight in my tummy area though.  I mean, an emergency c-section scar is not only a constant reminder that I'm a mom, but also a badge of honor.  I love what it stands for, but I still really fucking hate that scar and all the scar tissue.  I won't even go into the details about my hatred for cellulite either.  It would take entirely too long for me to get my point across.

It's nice when people say you look pretty or compliment you on losing the baby weight. I take it as a compliment for a confidence booster, and also to keep from thinking they are being complete douchebags.  Still, there are just some days that are worse than others and no matter what anyone says, it only comes down to how you feel about yourself.

Well today I decided that I want to feel good about myself regardless of what anyone says or thinks.  I don't care what THAT bitch on THAT magazine looks like.  I'm sure deep down she's counting her blessings there is photoshop just like the rest of us.  I thought back to the time when I was a size 0, and a little part of me was sad that I no longer can wear that size, but most of me was happy that I'm not.  If I think really hard about how happy I actually was when I was that size, I would have to say I really wasn't at all.  I am happier and  more confident with myself now than I ever was back then.  That my friends is one of my finest and greatest epiphanies I have ever had. 

I admit...parenting is hard.

3 years ago I became a mother. I AM SOMEBODY'S FRICKEN MOM! For some reason that still blows my mind if I think about it hard enough and what that kind of responsibility is.  I freak myself out thinking about all the bad shit Josslyn could do to me when she's older if I don't buck up. Scary shit I tell you. Like maybe I'm doing it wrong or maybe I'm doing things too right and she's just gonna flip one day and rebel.  She's already on me daily trying to be the boss and I know she's mirroring me and that scares the hell out of me.  I digress, and I'm starting to panic, so I'm just gonna stop.  Yet I'm sure every parent reading this can feel me when I say I have my doubts about myself as a parent all together.  I had one of those moments when I wanted to listen to my music and thought that maybe it wasn't appropriate for Josslyn to be listening to.  But why?  It's reality and it's out there so she is going to be exposed to it in the long run.  I don't want her to be sheltered.  I want her to be smart in the sense that she knows how to be in the world and not of the world.  I don't believe that video games and music are responsible for bad children.  My father is a musician, and although he doesn't agree with some of my music, I was allowed to appreciate all music.  But unfortunately the music isn't the only thing that I'm doing wrong.  My point is, that I felt bad for that split second and then realized in the next that being a parent isn't black and white and sometimes you're going to do it wrong but your kid will still be OK.  My brother and I were taught as children to do as our parents said and not as they did.  It is a brilliant idea now that I understand it.  We are both stable, healthy, self-sufficient adults, and we're appreciative of our parents and how they raised us.  I want to be that good for Josslyn.  I want her to know that I am not a perfect person or mom but I am just me doing the best that I can while still holding on to who I was before her because there was a different me before becoming her mom.  I was a crazy, loud, funny, potty-mouthed girl that didn't have a care in the world.  Sometimes I notice her and allow her to be free, but I feel like she has to be reigned in.  I don't want my daughter to think her mother is only a cussing, loud-ass that drinks too much wine and falls a lot.  (For the record I don't fall because I drink I'm just clumsy, so don't try calling Intervention or something.)  Yet I do want her to love me as I am, flaws and all; the real me that tries to be open and honest about herself and everything around her.  Whether she sees the fun and outgoing me or the mean, grumpy and disciplining me; I want her to realize one day in her adult life, that everyday, no matter what hat I was wearing, I loved her.  I loved her with all my heart and only wanted to do right by her.  Well I guess that's it.  I'd really prefer it if everyone could just respect my multiple identities from here on out. You don't have to like them all or understand them, but just know the one or two "Danielle's" you do love will come back around at some point and you'll remember why you loved me in the first place.  I just wanted to feel less guilty for being myself and somehow I came out of it successful.  Here's to Josslyn and hoping she comes out successful too. 

Source: naomiberger.tumblr.com via Danielle on Pinterest

This is just genius.

This isn't 7-11 bitch

This all has been in my head for awhile and I feel that now is probably a good time to let it go and be done with it.  If you think this blog is about you, then it probably is and you can contact me accordingly if you want to talk about it.  If I don't ever hear from you again, then this blog has done it's job. 

I feel at my age that I have had enough friends and frenemies to know the difference fairly quickly.  I no longer allow "friends" into my life if they are only there when they need me for something and really aren't interested in my life other than to talk shit about it.  I'm not interested in gossiping about everyone we know so you can turn around and gossip with them about me.  I'm too old for that shit.  I may not be the best friend all the time, but I don't put up fronts that we are just to brag about my life or because I need to borrow something.  You will always know where you stand with me.  Always.  Whether you like your hints subtle or in your face well that is up to you.  Just remember I like confrontations.

If you treat me like 7-11 you're gonna get charged a convenience fee.  I accept apologies or a ninja kick to your face.  Your choice. 

You aren't as original as you think...

Crazy beautiful life!

Ok so I haven't been on here in awhile and honestly it's because I'm fucking busy.  It's a lame ass excuse, but it's true so that's why I'm writing now ok so get off my back. 

The last month has been horrible and here's why.  First, my job of 6 years ended; not happy about that at all.  I was perfectly fine with where I was and then the big shots decided they wanted to retire and make a ton of money.  I would have been psyched about it if I was a big shot. (FML)  May 17th came and it all ended.  I don't even want to talk about the emotional baggage I still have due to being forced into a new job without my best friends.  I'm that sad about it.  So anyway, it's time to find a new job...sounds so easy for the oil and gas business and yet of course that had to be a complete nightmare for me.  I had 2 jobs lined up.  Yep 2, and somehow both of them were crap shoots.  Awesome.  If I didn't have a severance package, shit would of got real right then and there.  Hold it together.  Just hold it together.  That's all I could tell myself to keep from losing it.  We all like happy endings (that's what she said!), so I'm glad to inform you that I found work; just don't want you to worry about me too much lol.  It's been a couple weeks, and all jokes aside, I am in a good place. 

Another thing eating away at me is my daughter growing up.  She is going to be 3 already.  What the hell is happening with all this growing up and getting old shit?!  I didn't sign up for this mom business thinking it would just flash before my eyes!!!  I have to plan her party and I honestly can't bring myself to do it.  For some reason this birthday is especially hard.  I think it's because of the fact that I still see her as my baby and yet she insists on being a diva and trying to do her own thing.  I didn't think I had to worry about this issue until she was at least 13.  WRONG!  She has my personality and attitude that I have now at 26.  If you know me, then you can paint your own picture.  She's a Leo (I prefer hellcat) so that should have been my first clue of where this story was leading.  Let's start with some examples.  She repeats everything she hears.  Not right away mind you, so she'll throw you a curve ball and announce loudly that she sounds like an Asian kid sometimes.  Let me explain.  In my defense, I told her she sounded like Mrs. Swan from MadTV a couple weeks ago.  She did!!!  Stop judging me.  She asked me who that was and I told her it was an Asian lady that was on tv.  Somehow she absorbed that and this is the kind of thing I'm trying to deal with on a daily basis...literally.  I come home from work and I never know what new surprises she's learned from her adventures in the world.  She also likes to yell, "Whoa whoa whoa, muffin top!"  I'm to blame for this also and it was my own muffin top being referred to by the way.  This whole mom thing is hard.  You're still judging...stop it.

So you see it's been quite an eventful couple of weeks for me and I'm assuming it's not gonna end anytime soon.  I've gotten used to being at a new elevated level of stress so I just deal with it.  Life is keeping me on my toes that's for sure.  I will try and be better at blogging more often, mostly for my sake, but because it's fun to share some of the craziness of life with everyone.  It keeps me sane knowing other parents are having just as much fun behind the scenes as we are. :)

I really need a cupcake!