Reflecting on a tragedy...

When I get scared and overwhelmed, I tend to clam up and find myself needing to write.  Now is one of those times.  I don't know how else to express myself at the moment. 

I have so many emotions as I scroll through Facebook and read the news updates about the senseless acts of one man that decided to take innocent people's lives.  I feel panic as I realize that someone I know could possibly be hurt.  It is just way too close.  I find relief from a simple email to know that my brother is ok.  It's all these little things that start adding up to my extreme stress.  My heart and my stomach are in a battle for room in my body, as I feel like my body is collapsing in upon itself.  Eyes wide and throat tight, you can't understand why it hurts so bad.

I'm reliving all the feelings I felt the day I was watching the news and heard about Columbine.  A slow flow of panic washes over you as you try and figure out how to deal with information like this. 

I am that 8th grade girl innocently watching television in her student aid class just grading papers.  I am that girl that is finding out that kids have been ruthlessly murdered.  I am that girl that isn't supposed to know that this is all happening in real time.  My teacher was so upset that I had found out that way.  I was told not to say anything to the other students as they flooded in the room.  How do you sit still and in quiet with information like that?

Something so shocking takes the innocence and naivety out of a person almost immediately.  You realize the world really can be as bad as the supposed fictional world of books and movies.  Life is fragile.  Why do we forget that so easily?  I wish I didn't have to have all these emotions again, but it is a loud and clear reminder to live and love hard.  It could be the last time you get to hold someone you love.

Shit I've Been Up To

I haven't posted on here in awhile, so here are someecards I created.  I've also included fun stuff I've pinned on Pinterest. ---> Feisty Cupcake Pins!

Bittersweet

With every accomplishment of passing to the next grade or receiving an award for an achievement, I remember my parents with tears in their eyes.  I never understood why they seemed so sad, I only remember them saying, "You will understand one day when you are a parent."  They were right.

My heart feels heavy and full with happiness, pride, and also sadness.  I never knew watching my daughter grow up would be so beautiful and tragic all at the same time.  I could never have imagined how fulfilling it would be to pass life's experiences on to another human being.  Of course it was fun to start playing the games I loved as a child, as well as buying the toys I once adored, but passing knowledge to my daughter is proving to be the most amazing and rewarding thing I've ever done.  It's hard to watch her work on her letters and numbers and try to muffle the crack in my voice and hide the tears. 

Soon she will be in Montessori and I will have to come to terms that she will learn new things from a teacher, her friends, and the world.  I'm positive that's the scariest thing I've ever thought of...EVER.  It has been a very bittersweet night for this mama.

True story!

Ladies, you should read this.

Women!  We need to take a lesson from men on how to properly use the art of competition.  Yes, they have done one thing right since the beginning of time.  That's the only thing I will admit to at the moment.  Must retain balance and order in the battle of the sexes.  Competition is healthy if done correctly, and from my stand point, I don't see women using it correctly 90% of the time.  Men compete to prove that they are dominant exactly as they are.  Women compete to try and fill a void they think is within themselves.  Wrong!  You want to be the best that YOU can be, not trying to be the best at every damn thing just cause another gal is doing something right for herself!  Let that girl get hers and you just get yours. 

 I'm sick of women feeling like they have to constantly compare themselves to each other.  I used to do it and it ate away at my soul.  We are not meant to be like anyone else.  Why are we constantly trying to attain something that is absolutely not right for us?  There is only so much time we have on this Earth, so we need to stop wasting it attacking others that are only being and doing what God put them here for.  Be passionate about what really makes you happy.  You are not going to be any happier trying to be really good at something you never wanted to do.

One more thing.  Stop trying to be what you think everyone else thinks beautiful is.  Here's a clue...beauty is fluid; you're not going to figure out what anyone else will find beautiful.  It will never be just one standard.  Even if a magazine tries to tell you it is and force it down your throat that you are flawed, you just tell that voice in your head to shut its dirty mouth and move the fuck on.  That archaic bullshit of how we find our self-worth has to stop.  We have become so much more than anyone "back then" wanted us to be.  It's about time we start acting accordingly, ladies.

Throughout my life I've been made fun of because I'm short, I have too fair of skin, my butt is too big, I'm loud and obnoxious, I had crooked teeth, therefore had braces, which led to duck lips...I could go on and on, but it's pointless really.  Most of those things were temporary and the rest I have learned to embrace as my own unique beauty.  Everyone has the mean voices still in their head. I still hear those words and see the people that said them.  I'm over all that shit.  I have faced the fact that it was merely building me into who I am.  I will never again waste time wanting to be someone I'm not and I will not apologize for who I am.

For the women that can hear what I'm saying, just stop it.  Love yourself just the way you are at this moment.  Once you can just accept you and realize that what you have is good enough, then everything else in life comes together.  There are people that love you with everything they have and those are the people that you need to be around.  The negative people will need to be removed from your life.  If they refuse to stop hurting you with their words, then you don't need them.  You don't need that kind of "tough love".  Don't let them damage you beyond repair.  I know there are going to be some people that can't be saved.  It's hard to drop bad habits and learn new behaviors.  You just have to be willing to open your eyes. 

I want every woman in my life to feel the way I feel about myself.  I'm willing to help, if you're willing to let me.  At this moment in my life, I am the happiest I have ever been in every aspect of my life. It's taken a lot of work, but I've gotten there. I am happy as a wife, mother, friend, family member, employee or whatever other label people have thrown upon me. Every day is a toss up but how I face my trials has changed, and that has been the biggest victory of all my battles.

People are assholes.

Everything I have in my life is because I decided that's what I wanted and I worked hard for it.  I'm not saying I haven't had help along the way. I also know I've been in situations where it was the right place and the right time, but I took advantage of those moments and ran with them.  I'm looking back on my life since I became an "adult" and I'm pretty damn proud of who I am and what I've accomplished.

Then there are some people that like shit handed to them.  I don't.  Sure I was given life, but that was a gift, so that doesn't count.

I've recently realized some pretty disappointing facts in life due to shitty people and their actions.  I'm trying to keep from losing faith in mankind all together.  People will steal.  They don't care who you are.  I had to learn a lesson that just because someone is nice to your face and you invite them into your home, doesn't mean they won't rob you blind if the chance arises.  I will not let this make me feel like I was betrayed.  I will also not allow myself to be vulnerable again. 

I can't stop people from being assholes, so I'm just gonna keep on doing the best I can as a human being and do right.  I will continue to work hard for my daughter.  I will raise her to do the same for herself and for her family.  I will never again be in the position where I don't know the caliber of person that is in my home and I will make damn sure to protect what is rightfully mine.

So a big FUCK YOU to whoever thought stealing from me was a good idea.  Good luck to you when karma comes around, and even more luck to you if I find out who you are.

God damn it, Broncos!

Friends and friendships are two totally different things.

In my youth, I used to believe it was near impossible to be friends with girls.  We're moody, unreasonable and mostly annoying if we aren't on the same wave length.  What I didn't realize, is that being young and hormonal causes most of those problems.  Not saying hormones aren't a factor as we get older, but I believe maturity helps deter us from bad people and steer us towards healthy relationships, without sabotaging them with our petty crap.

I'm gonna provide a little back story, so you can all understand how grateful I am for the women in my life today.  It's a longer read, but I feel to do these women justice for how wonderful they are, I need to explain my history of friendships with girls, not women.

Being friends with girls in school was always hit and miss with me.  At least the first friend I made was a complete hit.  I met my best friend, Anita, in Kindergarten and 22 years later, we are still bestie bests.  She knows more about me than anyone, even my husband.  How couldn't she, when she remembers some of the shit I did, that I don't even remember until she reminds me!  Life was grand through elementary school with her.  Even when the other girls hated us for being so close, we wouldn't let anyone come between us.  We didn't need anyone else.  Then life happened, and she had to move.  I was headed into middle school without her.  (Scream appropriate expletive here.)  Having this long standing relationship with her, even when we didn't see each other every day, provided me hope that friendships and relationships could withstand time and distance. 

6th grade in a Denver school, was a whole different story.  I knew a few people that were going to be there, but the thought of nearly starting over was terrifying.  I did not fit in at this school.  I did not have the same attitude or confidence in myself that I do now.  I was meek, quiet, and didn't know my place in the world yet.  I still held my mother's hand in public places for fucks sake.  I was innocent, and the girls there were nothing of the sort.  It was a whole different world, and I stuck out like a lamb among the wolves, and they knew it.  I was easy prey.  My life was hell for that year.  I hated it there and the few friends I did have, were the only way I made it through that horrendous year of bullying.  I begged my mom to move me into a new school.  She put me into a Jeffco school so I could be with my cousin.

Time to start over again.  This time was better.  I still knew I was out of place, but now I had the common sense to stand my ground from the beginning.  Fake it til you make it, right?  I made some awesome friends.  Some of them I still talk to through Facebook.  If it weren't for the social media age, I wouldn't have that luxury though.  It's hard keeping friendships and things in common with people when years have gone by and you haven't seen them face to face.  It's not a bad thing, it's just life. 

Some of those friends flowed over into high school with me.  A lot of the friends I have now are from high school and we didn't even spend much time together back then.  Weird, but totally worth it.  I'll get back to this later. 

High school was a strange time.  A lot of it was spent fighting with the girlfriends I did have.  I don't even know why we fought so much.  There were always sides to be chosen and it was more than likely over a boy.  Typical bullshit and those hormones I told you about.  The ones that outgrew that shit are actually pretty amazing women now.  Most of us are married and/or mothers, and we all found a way to grow up and not hate each other for all the stupid drama back then. 

What I've found though, is that there are some people that come into your life unexpectedly and show you what true, unconditional friendship is.  You find most of these friendships along your adult path, through the things you have in common on a more personal level.  It's not just a friendship based on what home room you share or what guy you want to date.  It's much deeper than that.  I read an article about how the best thing a man can do for his health is marry a woman.  Basically, have a best friend that he could share his feelings with.  Not hunting, sports, or sex talk.  Real talk, feelings.  The best thing a woman can do is grow healthy friendships with other women.  Sharing your feelings is probably the best way to relieve stress in your life, and I have that now through these women. 

So finally, here is my thank you letter to the women that rock my world.

The first and foremost being my mother.  She has always been a best friend, and now that I am a mother myself, I value her friendship more than I ever imagined possible.  She was also the one to show me how to be a true friend to others.  She takes her friendships seriously and is always there for her loved ones.  She's the friend that has every one's birthday written down so she will never forget to send a card or give a birthday call.  Sweetest shit you'll ever see.  I'm not that good yet, but I hope to be one day.

Next, is Anita.  She's my ride or die chick that will never fail me.  We have too much blackmail on each other to let that happen. :)  She has been there for me even when I was an asshole and didn't deserve it.  I can't believe that the first day of Kindergarten I was blessed to find my soul sister.  No matter how long we don't see each other or talk, every time we finally do, we can always pick up where we left off.  No matter what the circumstance, I know she will be there for me, as I will be there for her.

Now, Melissa, my partner in crime.  She is my sister from another mister.  Seriously, she is like my tall, white, blond, opposite sister. :)  Our careers brought us together, but we get to share so much more.  If I ever need something, I know I can call on her.  We treat each other as family.  She is my confidante and advise giver, especially if I need her to be brutally honest.  She is like the sister I never had, and I hope our children will grow up to be like cousins.

Lindsay.  We went through 4 years of high school together and never even hung out.  After high school, we were brought together by mutual friends.  Am I ever thankful for that.  She allows me to be completely inappropriate and never makes me apologize for my lude behavior.  She just gets me, and doesn't ever judge me for who I am.  Having someone like her has shown me, that no matter how I choose to be, I am worthy of being loved.  Good or bad, I will have someone that lets me be wrong.  She brings out the best in people.  I know she will be neutral and fair and sometimes I need that.  She is my balance.

I have met one woman that has brought an abundance of fabulous women into my life, as well as become a permanent fixture among my heroes. She has shown me how to love myself, as is, no excuses. Iman, has brought forth a part of being a woman I didn't know I even had.  When I found that, I found the way to provide my life with only supportive and positive people and nurture relationships I actually value. No more negativity, frenemies, or wasted energy on bad relationships.  From the moment we met, she treated me like she had known me all her life and brought me into her home with a warmth I had never felt.  Who knew that through Google and the love of pin-up, I would gain such a powerful relationship. 

All of the women I have met through her have been just as amazing as she is.  When you meet them or sit in a room with them, you can just sense the energy from all of these women are at one and it's all thanks to Iman.  We are all aware of our potential.  She has shown us that beauty is not skin deep.  She has provided us the power to reject society's ideal of what women are.  She has dispelled the myth that women can't be real friends.  She has helped us evolve into women that empower each other, not belittle.  There are too many of them I would like to thank in here, but they know who they are.  They have lifted me up with their words.  They have treated me as if we've been friends since way back.  They are all wonderful in their own ways, and I love them for being themselves and allowing me the same comfort in my own skin. 

Thanks to all of you for being there when I need it most.  I believe I will live for a long time thanks to having all of you in my life.  There are no words that could explain the gratitude I have for all of you.

This is my final disclaimer.

If you haven't learned by now that I will probably say anything and everything that comes to my mind, you aren't learning quick enough.  If you don't like what I have to say, please do us both a favor and remove me from your life.  I don't plan on filtering myself anymore than I already do anytime soon.  I understand that my sense of humor is an acquired taste, but more often than not, I am just being funny because I find myself hysterical and have to share that with the world.  Most people get it!  The others, well...not so much.  That's fine.  I don't yell at anyone on their statuses about how they're doing it wrong (unless you are grammatically incorrect and I'll probably have to delete you before I hurt your feelings lol).  I appreciate what people put out into the world and take what I want from it and leave it at that.  If you disagree with something I say, attacking me from behind a computer won't help.  You're not gonna be able to fix me from there.  Trust me.  If anything, I'll digress and rebel just for the hell of it, and make you hate me more than you thought possible.  True story. 

Life isn't that fucken serious people.  Drama is not what I'm looking for when I write something.  I mostly just want to make people smile or laugh, cause smiling is my favorite. :)  If you get that, we can be friends.  If not, don't let the virtual door hit your uptight ass on the way out.  I'd hate to see that stick shoved up there any further.

I DID IT!!!

I'm gloating on here because this is the only place I feel like I can get away with it.

I've got back down to my pre-pregnancy weight of 110 on December 31, 2011!!!

I fear if I tell anyone that's not in my family, that they will look at me with disdain instead of happiness.  I have always been petite and I feel like people treat that as a negative thing towards themselves, therefore it ends up backfiring on me when they tell me that I don't really have a weight problem and I shouldn't even be talking about it.  Why can't I be proud of the fact that I worked hard to self-discipline myself and kick bad habits so I could lose the last 15 lbs. that have been haunting me? 

Either way, I'm excited to see that number on the scale and feel healthy again.  It's not so much about that stupid number because now that I've reached it, I would be happy to just stay within close range of it.  It is more about what that number means to me and how hard I've worked to get back to it.  3+ years of fighting with myself to finally actually do what I said I would after having Josslyn.  Emotional and actual weight off my soul.