When I get scared and overwhelmed, I tend to clam up and find myself needing to write. Now is one of those times. I don't know how else to express myself at the moment.
I have so many emotions as I scroll through Facebook and read the news updates about the senseless acts of one man that decided to take innocent people's lives. I feel panic as I realize that someone I know could possibly be hurt. It is just way too close. I find relief from a simple email to know that my brother is ok. It's all these little things that start adding up to my extreme stress. My heart and my stomach are in a battle for room in my body, as I feel like my body is collapsing in upon itself. Eyes wide and throat tight, you can't understand why it hurts so bad.
I'm reliving all the feelings I felt the day I was watching the news and heard about Columbine. A slow flow of panic washes over you as you try and figure out how to deal with information like this.
I am that 8th grade girl innocently watching television in her student aid class just grading papers. I am that girl that is finding out that kids have been ruthlessly murdered. I am that girl that isn't supposed to know that this is all happening in real time. My teacher was so upset that I had found out that way. I was told not to say anything to the other students as they flooded in the room. How do you sit still and in quiet with information like that?
Something so shocking takes the innocence and naivety out of a person almost immediately. You realize the world really can be as bad as the supposed fictional world of books and movies. Life is fragile. Why do we forget that so easily? I wish I didn't have to have all these emotions again, but it is a loud and clear reminder to live and love hard. It could be the last time you get to hold someone you love.