Thursday, September 1, 2011

I admit...parenting is hard.

3 years ago I became a mother. I AM SOMEBODY'S FRICKEN MOM! For some reason that still blows my mind if I think about it hard enough and what that kind of responsibility is.  I freak myself out thinking about all the bad shit Josslyn could do to me when she's older if I don't buck up. Scary shit I tell you. Like maybe I'm doing it wrong or maybe I'm doing things too right and she's just gonna flip one day and rebel.  She's already on me daily trying to be the boss and I know she's mirroring me and that scares the hell out of me.  I digress, and I'm starting to panic, so I'm just gonna stop.  Yet I'm sure every parent reading this can feel me when I say I have my doubts about myself as a parent all together.  I had one of those moments when I wanted to listen to my music and thought that maybe it wasn't appropriate for Josslyn to be listening to.  But why?  It's reality and it's out there so she is going to be exposed to it in the long run.  I don't want her to be sheltered.  I want her to be smart in the sense that she knows how to be in the world and not of the world.  I don't believe that video games and music are responsible for bad children.  My father is a musician, and although he doesn't agree with some of my music, I was allowed to appreciate all music.  But unfortunately the music isn't the only thing that I'm doing wrong.  My point is, that I felt bad for that split second and then realized in the next that being a parent isn't black and white and sometimes you're going to do it wrong but your kid will still be OK.  My brother and I were taught as children to do as our parents said and not as they did.  It is a brilliant idea now that I understand it.  We are both stable, healthy, self-sufficient adults, and we're appreciative of our parents and how they raised us.  I want to be that good for Josslyn.  I want her to know that I am not a perfect person or mom but I am just me doing the best that I can while still holding on to who I was before her because there was a different me before becoming her mom.  I was a crazy, loud, funny, potty-mouthed girl that didn't have a care in the world.  Sometimes I notice her and allow her to be free, but I feel like she has to be reigned in.  I don't want my daughter to think her mother is only a cussing, loud-ass that drinks too much wine and falls a lot.  (For the record I don't fall because I drink I'm just clumsy, so don't try calling Intervention or something.)  Yet I do want her to love me as I am, flaws and all; the real me that tries to be open and honest about herself and everything around her.  Whether she sees the fun and outgoing me or the mean, grumpy and disciplining me; I want her to realize one day in her adult life, that everyday, no matter what hat I was wearing, I loved her.  I loved her with all my heart and only wanted to do right by her.  Well I guess that's it.  I'd really prefer it if everyone could just respect my multiple identities from here on out. You don't have to like them all or understand them, but just know the one or two "Danielle's" you do love will come back around at some point and you'll remember why you loved me in the first place.  I just wanted to feel less guilty for being myself and somehow I came out of it successful.  Here's to Josslyn and hoping she comes out successful too.