I put on a bold face and positive attitude while driving to the hospital, but that facade didn't last long. The moment I walked into the ER, they were telling my mom that they had found an abnormal mass. The look on her face will be one of the most vivid memories of this whole thing. I thought I was mentally broken a long time ago, but this was the final straw. I felt like MY life was flashing before me and I was panicked to think of a life without him. I had forgotten how much I needed him. No matter how bad I fuck up, he is always the one to set me straight, but love me regardless. When things are good in my life, he's the first person to be happy for me without a hint of resentment. He is one of my best friends and I had taken him for granted. I needed him more than ever and I felt so pathetic for being weak, selfish, and scared. How could I be so fucking broken down and pitiful when he is the one laying in that bed?! I wanted to give every part of me to trade places with him.
After being scared out of my mind, I was then angry. Irrational, violent anger. Everyone was to blame for this, and if they weren't, they were going to say something to piss me off enough to turn on them. I wanted to be left alone. It was probably better for everyone if they did. There were no words that were going to make me feel better about the situation. I just wanted to hold Jarick's hand and pray next to him. That was the only time I felt at ease.
Thankfully, God blessed me with a very sensitive and understanding daughter. She looked at her Uncle and touched his hand gently, before we made her leave the hospital. Later, my mother-in-law would tell Michael, that Josslyn told her she had talked to God and He had told her everything was going to be ok. Again I broke down. I desperately needed something to believe in and I held onto her little words so tightly, that I had no choice but to believe them. From that point, I knew there could be no more tears in front of Jarick. He needed us to be his strength and have faith in God's plan.
As this experience has unfolded I have learned a lot about myself. I am nowhere near as tough as I thought I was. I can't go through this life only relying on myself like I thought I could. Having support is the only thing that has kept me going lately. Each day has been a struggle, but slowly we all understood that this was happening; accept the reality, and deal with the moment in front of you. As hard a time as I have had with doctors lately, I decided to let go and allow myself to trust that they were doing everything they could for him. None of us had control of this situation, so I released myself from the angst, guilt, and selfish need to try to fix things, and just loved my brother and family as hard as I could.
Now when I hear this song, all I think about is the love I have for one of the most important people in my life; so even when I know I can't, I will still try and fix you.