Monday, November 28, 2011

And I will try to fix you...

There are moments in life that feel so surreal, that you are almost certain there was no way in hell it happened...except for the fact that it is still happening all around you, every single day.  That's how I have felt for the past 3 weeks.  I have been unbelievably emotional, and some days it feels like my heart will burst.  I'm a pretty emotional person anyway without throwing in a game changer like seeing your brother fighting for his life.  I never ever thought my 22 year old brother could end up in such a scary position.  How do you process the idea of someone so young needing brain surgery?  What is a normal reaction, because I have yet to figure out if I'm processing things right? 

I put on a bold face and positive attitude while driving to the hospital, but that facade didn't last long.  The moment I walked into the ER, they were telling my mom that they had found an abnormal mass.  The look on her face will be one of the most vivid memories of this whole thing.  I thought I was mentally broken a long time ago, but this was the final straw.  I felt like MY life was flashing before me and I was panicked to think of a life without him.  I had forgotten how much I needed him.  No matter how bad I fuck up, he is always the one to set me straight, but love me regardless.  When things are good in my life, he's the first person to be happy for me without a hint of resentment.  He is one of my best friends and I had taken him for granted.  I needed him more than ever and I felt so pathetic for being weak, selfish, and scared.  How could I be so fucking broken down and pitiful when he is the one laying in that bed?!  I wanted to give every part of me to trade places with him.

After being scared out of my mind, I was then angry.  Irrational, violent anger.  Everyone was to blame for this, and if they weren't, they were going to say something to piss me off enough to turn on them.  I wanted to be left alone.  It was probably better for everyone if they did.  There were no words that were going to make me feel better about the situation.  I just wanted to hold Jarick's hand and pray next to him.  That was the only time I felt at ease.

Thankfully, God blessed me with a very sensitive and understanding daughter.  She looked at her Uncle and touched his hand gently, before we made her leave the hospital.  Later, my mother-in-law would tell Michael, that Josslyn told her she had talked to God and He had told her everything was going to be ok.  Again I broke down.  I desperately needed something to believe in and I held onto her little words so tightly, that I had no choice but to believe them.  From that point, I knew there could be no more tears in front of Jarick.  He needed us to be his strength and have faith in God's plan. 

As this experience has unfolded I have learned a lot about myself. I am nowhere near as tough as I thought I was. I can't go through this life only relying on myself like I thought I could.  Having support is the only thing that has kept me going lately.  Each day has been a struggle, but slowly we all understood that this was happening; accept the reality, and deal with the moment in front of you.  As hard a time as I have had with doctors lately, I decided to let go and allow myself to trust that they were doing everything they could for him.  None of us had control of this situation, so I released myself from the angst, guilt, and selfish need to try to fix things, and just loved my brother and family as hard as I could.

Now when I hear this song, all I think about is the love I have for one of the most important people in my life; so even when I know I can't, I will still try and fix you. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Now seriously, stop asking.

It has been my stance for awhile now that I'm nearly positive I don't want to have another child.  I say nearly, because I'm a woman and hormones change your mind for you all the time.  My less hormonal version has decided it's best to have just Josslyn.  Everyone likes to ask when the next one is, and I like to shock them and say never.  Honestly, it's no one's business, but for some odd reason some people think they're funny when they ask.  It's not a joke, and it's actually a serious life choice, so I don't know why they think it's ok to ask.  It's just as bad as strangers wanting to rub your pregnant belly or asking you if you plan on breastfeeding.  That shit is personal and pretty inappropriate.  I don't owe anyone this explanation, but I'm tired of some people trying to shame me into another child with this "only child syndrome bullshit".  So here's my bullshit for you.  No one has any idea the hell Michael and I went through in the delivery room by ourselves and how scared we were.  It's hard to explain to someone that you become physically ill just thinking about the birth of your child.  It was supposed to be a happy and wonderful moment, but I didn't get to have that.  I barely remember touching my baby before they swept her and Michael off while I laid there drugged, scared and all alone.  It was the worst feeling I've ever had.  It hurt more than the 3 hours of trying to bring my daughter into this world naturally.  Writing this now makes me want to burst into tears.  I felt like the worst person in the world when I couldn't give my baby her first bath or hold her before she went to sleep. I just don't feel like reliving those moments.  I know it would be different the second time around, but I can't.  I feel like I would end up with guilt if it was memorable with the second, like I failed Josslyn in some way.  It's silly, I know, but that's my honest feeling.  I've also had a lot of health issues since I've had Josslyn.  We did talk about having another baby, but it just didn't happen.  I felt like a failure yet again; I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and then I couldn't have a baby because of it.  I'm still trying to resolve whatever the hell is wrong with my body and have yet to find a doctor that is willing to take my issues seriously.  The latest doctor, very nonchalantly, told me that I have an endometrial infection, but I don't have cancer.  "Oh just take these antibiotics for a week and you'll be fine."   Thank you for making that clear after 4 months of tests.  Why did it take so long to figure it out, why is it that I keep having the same issues, and why isn't she helping me find ways to prevent the infections that keep occurring?!  It would have been nice to know that she had a serious concern that it might be cancer from the get go.  What do I know about my body, it's not like I'm a doctor right?!    Yet another reason I've given up.  All I want is to feel healthy again.  I can't spread myself anymore thin before taking care of myself.  I have to be in a better place before I could ever imagine bringing another life into this world.  So leave me alone, and stop asking when I'm having another baby because it really might just be never.