Now seriously, stop asking.

It has been my stance for awhile now that I'm nearly positive I don't want to have another child.  I say nearly, because I'm a woman and hormones change your mind for you all the time.  My less hormonal version has decided it's best to have just Josslyn.  Everyone likes to ask when the next one is, and I like to shock them and say never.  Honestly, it's no one's business, but for some odd reason some people think they're funny when they ask.  It's not a joke, and it's actually a serious life choice, so I don't know why they think it's ok to ask.  It's just as bad as strangers wanting to rub your pregnant belly or asking you if you plan on breastfeeding.  That shit is personal and pretty inappropriate.  I don't owe anyone this explanation, but I'm tired of some people trying to shame me into another child with this "only child syndrome bullshit".  So here's my bullshit for you.  No one has any idea the hell Michael and I went through in the delivery room by ourselves and how scared we were.  It's hard to explain to someone that you become physically ill just thinking about the birth of your child.  It was supposed to be a happy and wonderful moment, but I didn't get to have that.  I barely remember touching my baby before they swept her and Michael off while I laid there drugged, scared and all alone.  It was the worst feeling I've ever had.  It hurt more than the 3 hours of trying to bring my daughter into this world naturally.  Writing this now makes me want to burst into tears.  I felt like the worst person in the world when I couldn't give my baby her first bath or hold her before she went to sleep. I just don't feel like reliving those moments.  I know it would be different the second time around, but I can't.  I feel like I would end up with guilt if it was memorable with the second, like I failed Josslyn in some way.  It's silly, I know, but that's my honest feeling.  I've also had a lot of health issues since I've had Josslyn.  We did talk about having another baby, but it just didn't happen.  I felt like a failure yet again; I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and then I couldn't have a baby because of it.  I'm still trying to resolve whatever the hell is wrong with my body and have yet to find a doctor that is willing to take my issues seriously.  The latest doctor, very nonchalantly, told me that I have an endometrial infection, but I don't have cancer.  "Oh just take these antibiotics for a week and you'll be fine."   Thank you for making that clear after 4 months of tests.  Why did it take so long to figure it out, why is it that I keep having the same issues, and why isn't she helping me find ways to prevent the infections that keep occurring?!  It would have been nice to know that she had a serious concern that it might be cancer from the get go.  What do I know about my body, it's not like I'm a doctor right?!    Yet another reason I've given up.  All I want is to feel healthy again.  I can't spread myself anymore thin before taking care of myself.  I have to be in a better place before I could ever imagine bringing another life into this world.  So leave me alone, and stop asking when I'm having another baby because it really might just be never.