I'm gloating on here because this is the only place I feel like I can get away with it.
I've got back down to my pre-pregnancy weight of 110 on December 31, 2011!!!
I fear if I tell anyone that's not in my family, that they will look at me with disdain instead of happiness. I have always been petite and I feel like people treat that as a negative thing towards themselves, therefore it ends up backfiring on me when they tell me that I don't really have a weight problem and I shouldn't even be talking about it. Why can't I be proud of the fact that I worked hard to self-discipline myself and kick bad habits so I could lose the last 15 lbs. that have been haunting me?
Either way, I'm excited to see that number on the scale and feel healthy again. It's not so much about that stupid number because now that I've reached it, I would be happy to just stay within close range of it. It is more about what that number means to me and how hard I've worked to get back to it. 3+ years of fighting with myself to finally actually do what I said I would after having Josslyn. Emotional and actual weight off my soul.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Hey baby, what's your sign?
I am an Aquarius/Pisces. If you think astrology is silly, you should probably stop reading now. I'm in a silly mood.
Being on the cusp of two signs explains why I probably feel bipolar most days; lately it has been everyday. Usually when I read my horoscope, I think I'm more Aquarius, but if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm a Pisces. I am literally a walking contradiction. I'm here to admit that my horoscope reading and research has led me to some very interesting and real truths about myself. I'm going to try and focus on why I am always on the fence when it comes to most situations in my life, based off the stars. This is therapy for me so stop laughing.
Here's a little breakdown about each sign from the world wide web (see http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aquarius.htm) if you want to check out the full article, as well as the other signs).
Aquarius is the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence. Aquarius are the people who deviate from the crowd and go their own way. They are always after intellectual stimulation, constantly discovering something new, forming new opinions and stubbornly traveling their way regardless of what other people think. Aquarius are filled with paradoxes, they are interested in the opposite ends of the spectrum, they like to be alone yet are social butterflies, they like to experience both sides and see both opinions as they formulate new ideas with their forward thinking, active mind. Aquarius have a 'live and let live' policy where everyone is free to be themselves, an Aquarius never judges others because as human beings, we are all equal and entitled to our own opinions. They are verbally skilled and very witty, they observe people and learn how to interact with others through observation. They can be masters of manipulation justifying anything they do or think. As a result, they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation. They welcome change because boredom is their enemy. Anything new is an opportunity to Aquarius. Aquarius can act as an expert on any topic, they are very good at inflating their own importance, they feel it is deserved because their eccentricity makes them unique. Conventional people beware, Aquarius likes to shock and deviate from the norm, this is how they live. Aquarius is known to pick at anyone they find weak or dull-minded. It is simply an easy target for verbal exercise for them, no harm is meant but it might be taken from the other person. Deep inside, Aquarius would never intentionally hurt anyone, they have respect for every human, even though this might not seem apparent to the more emotional types.
Pisces is the sign of mysticism, mystery and the spiritual unknown. Pisces live in two worlds, the real world and the spiritual or mystical world where they interpret what they see into what they want. They do this to avoid all the realities of pain and suffering in the world. They have extremes of emotions and feel both good and bad intensively. Pisces have formidable intuitive ability. Most Pisces are somehow involved with occult or spiritualism. Pisces are very good at understanding people for they have the ability to delve into the psyche and see behind a person's motivations. Pisces are prone to drug addiction and indulging lifestyles because of their eternal search for themselves and their fear of confrontation and having to change a situation, also they justify drug use by allowing it to get closer with their 'spiritual selves'. Once they are aware this is why they are doing it, it will be easier to kick the habit. Pisces are not the pushovers that they may seem, in fact they have strength of character and will stand up for what they believe in and and they can do hard work for something they believe in. They can be very lazy but only in matters that they do not care about. Pisces is the most sensitive of all zodiac signs.
I bet if you know me and we're close, you were probably shaking your head yes and laughing when you could see the parts that sounded like me. So now do you see my dilemma? If you didn't catch it or were too lazy to actually read the whole thing, I went ahead and highlighted it for you. Both of these signs are already kinda two-faced as it is and here I am with both. I'm a hot mess according to this. Thankfully I don't believe everything I read and neither should you. :) Now I can write about how I feel some of these characteristics apply to me.
First, let's talk about how this fight between two signs plays out with my friendships. When it comes to my true friends, I am most definitely a Pisces. I will go to the ends of the Earth to help them if they need me. Those of you know how I hold things down. Yes, they know who they are. Thankfully my Aquarius side keeps me and the fake friends in check though . No one will ever take my kindness and generosity as an invitation to treat me like a doormat. I can easily detach myself from a person if they wrong me. I have no problem leaving your ass in my past. In this case, I'm glad that I have both sides. I have some fucking amazing friends and have gladly ridden myself of the assholes that couldn't keep up.
Love. Now for the fun complications. This is probably where the two sides do not get along the most. I am more Aquarius as far as the ways of the heart. I was raised to always take care of myself and be independent, so that is very much ingrained in me. I do not require constant attention or a ton of affection but when I need it, I want it all or nothing. Yet the Pisces side of me is still a romantic, so don't think I don't like all that gushy shit just cause I'm not needy or clingy. I also try to be nurturing, although I think it comes off as nagging and overbearing since I'm not as soft around the edges. My poor husband. That is all I'm gonna say about that.
Next up, religion. I'm not about it. I am all about spirituality and a higher being, but I refuse to be a part of an organized religion. Straight Pisces right there. This drives a majority of my family nuts. It's ok though, because My God rocks and loves me just the way I am. The Aquarius in me likes to explore other religions and find pieces that feel "at one" with what I already believe. I wholeheartedly believe that there are threads of truth in all religions and that it's naive to think that only one could be the end all and be all.
Josslyn is always my first and foremost but I saved the best for last. I never would have thought motherhood and astrology would ever relate, but her and I are already butting heads and I blame it on her being a Leo. I'm still not quite sure whether my Aquarius or Pisces side is more dominant yet as far as parenting her. At this point in the game, I'm still winning with my logic, sarcasm, and stubborness, thanks to Aquarius. Her lion mentality has put me in quite the predicament. I appreciate the fact that she is growing up with a strong will and her own opinions, but I would love if it wasn't at the expense of my nerves. She pushes all the right buttons and yelling matches have already begun. I'm seriously on high alert for the teenage Josslyn to hit way earlier than 13.
So there you have it. Now you have even more excuses to think I'm crazy, but it was kind of nice to see how some traits do come into play in my day to day life. Not saying horoscopes are the Bible or anything, but I must say they do come close sometimes. Worry about me when I start believing all my fortune cookies and playing the lottery with the lucky numbers on the back. Until then, I shall continue my horoscope reading and also be checking up on some of you fools too. I know you...and I know you better than you think. ;)
Being on the cusp of two signs explains why I probably feel bipolar most days; lately it has been everyday. Usually when I read my horoscope, I think I'm more Aquarius, but if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm a Pisces. I am literally a walking contradiction. I'm here to admit that my horoscope reading and research has led me to some very interesting and real truths about myself. I'm going to try and focus on why I am always on the fence when it comes to most situations in my life, based off the stars. This is therapy for me so stop laughing.
Here's a little breakdown about each sign from the world wide web (see http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aquarius.htm) if you want to check out the full article, as well as the other signs).
Aquarius is the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence. Aquarius are the people who deviate from the crowd and go their own way. They are always after intellectual stimulation, constantly discovering something new, forming new opinions and stubbornly traveling their way regardless of what other people think. Aquarius are filled with paradoxes, they are interested in the opposite ends of the spectrum, they like to be alone yet are social butterflies, they like to experience both sides and see both opinions as they formulate new ideas with their forward thinking, active mind. Aquarius have a 'live and let live' policy where everyone is free to be themselves, an Aquarius never judges others because as human beings, we are all equal and entitled to our own opinions. They are verbally skilled and very witty, they observe people and learn how to interact with others through observation. They can be masters of manipulation justifying anything they do or think. As a result, they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation. They welcome change because boredom is their enemy. Anything new is an opportunity to Aquarius. Aquarius can act as an expert on any topic, they are very good at inflating their own importance, they feel it is deserved because their eccentricity makes them unique. Conventional people beware, Aquarius likes to shock and deviate from the norm, this is how they live. Aquarius is known to pick at anyone they find weak or dull-minded. It is simply an easy target for verbal exercise for them, no harm is meant but it might be taken from the other person. Deep inside, Aquarius would never intentionally hurt anyone, they have respect for every human, even though this might not seem apparent to the more emotional types.
Pisces is the sign of mysticism, mystery and the spiritual unknown. Pisces live in two worlds, the real world and the spiritual or mystical world where they interpret what they see into what they want. They do this to avoid all the realities of pain and suffering in the world. They have extremes of emotions and feel both good and bad intensively. Pisces have formidable intuitive ability. Most Pisces are somehow involved with occult or spiritualism. Pisces are very good at understanding people for they have the ability to delve into the psyche and see behind a person's motivations. Pisces are prone to drug addiction and indulging lifestyles because of their eternal search for themselves and their fear of confrontation and having to change a situation, also they justify drug use by allowing it to get closer with their 'spiritual selves'. Once they are aware this is why they are doing it, it will be easier to kick the habit. Pisces are not the pushovers that they may seem, in fact they have strength of character and will stand up for what they believe in and and they can do hard work for something they believe in. They can be very lazy but only in matters that they do not care about. Pisces is the most sensitive of all zodiac signs.
I bet if you know me and we're close, you were probably shaking your head yes and laughing when you could see the parts that sounded like me. So now do you see my dilemma? If you didn't catch it or were too lazy to actually read the whole thing, I went ahead and highlighted it for you. Both of these signs are already kinda two-faced as it is and here I am with both. I'm a hot mess according to this. Thankfully I don't believe everything I read and neither should you. :) Now I can write about how I feel some of these characteristics apply to me.
First, let's talk about how this fight between two signs plays out with my friendships. When it comes to my true friends, I am most definitely a Pisces. I will go to the ends of the Earth to help them if they need me. Those of you know how I hold things down. Yes, they know who they are. Thankfully my Aquarius side keeps me and the fake friends in check though . No one will ever take my kindness and generosity as an invitation to treat me like a doormat. I can easily detach myself from a person if they wrong me. I have no problem leaving your ass in my past. In this case, I'm glad that I have both sides. I have some fucking amazing friends and have gladly ridden myself of the assholes that couldn't keep up.
Love. Now for the fun complications. This is probably where the two sides do not get along the most. I am more Aquarius as far as the ways of the heart. I was raised to always take care of myself and be independent, so that is very much ingrained in me. I do not require constant attention or a ton of affection but when I need it, I want it all or nothing. Yet the Pisces side of me is still a romantic, so don't think I don't like all that gushy shit just cause I'm not needy or clingy. I also try to be nurturing, although I think it comes off as nagging and overbearing since I'm not as soft around the edges. My poor husband. That is all I'm gonna say about that.
Next up, religion. I'm not about it. I am all about spirituality and a higher being, but I refuse to be a part of an organized religion. Straight Pisces right there. This drives a majority of my family nuts. It's ok though, because My God rocks and loves me just the way I am. The Aquarius in me likes to explore other religions and find pieces that feel "at one" with what I already believe. I wholeheartedly believe that there are threads of truth in all religions and that it's naive to think that only one could be the end all and be all.
Josslyn is always my first and foremost but I saved the best for last. I never would have thought motherhood and astrology would ever relate, but her and I are already butting heads and I blame it on her being a Leo. I'm still not quite sure whether my Aquarius or Pisces side is more dominant yet as far as parenting her. At this point in the game, I'm still winning with my logic, sarcasm, and stubborness, thanks to Aquarius. Her lion mentality has put me in quite the predicament. I appreciate the fact that she is growing up with a strong will and her own opinions, but I would love if it wasn't at the expense of my nerves. She pushes all the right buttons and yelling matches have already begun. I'm seriously on high alert for the teenage Josslyn to hit way earlier than 13.
So there you have it. Now you have even more excuses to think I'm crazy, but it was kind of nice to see how some traits do come into play in my day to day life. Not saying horoscopes are the Bible or anything, but I must say they do come close sometimes. Worry about me when I start believing all my fortune cookies and playing the lottery with the lucky numbers on the back. Until then, I shall continue my horoscope reading and also be checking up on some of you fools too. I know you...and I know you better than you think. ;)
Monday, November 28, 2011
And I will try to fix you...
There are moments in life that feel so surreal, that you are almost certain there was no way in hell it happened...except for the fact that it is still happening all around you, every single day. That's how I have felt for the past 3 weeks. I have been unbelievably emotional, and some days it feels like my heart will burst. I'm a pretty emotional person anyway without throwing in a game changer like seeing your brother fighting for his life. I never ever thought my 22 year old brother could end up in such a scary position. How do you process the idea of someone so young needing brain surgery? What is a normal reaction, because I have yet to figure out if I'm processing things right?
I put on a bold face and positive attitude while driving to the hospital, but that facade didn't last long. The moment I walked into the ER, they were telling my mom that they had found an abnormal mass. The look on her face will be one of the most vivid memories of this whole thing. I thought I was mentally broken a long time ago, but this was the final straw. I felt like MY life was flashing before me and I was panicked to think of a life without him. I had forgotten how much I needed him. No matter how bad I fuck up, he is always the one to set me straight, but love me regardless. When things are good in my life, he's the first person to be happy for me without a hint of resentment. He is one of my best friends and I had taken him for granted. I needed him more than ever and I felt so pathetic for being weak, selfish, and scared. How could I be so fucking broken down and pitiful when he is the one laying in that bed?! I wanted to give every part of me to trade places with him.
After being scared out of my mind, I was then angry. Irrational, violent anger. Everyone was to blame for this, and if they weren't, they were going to say something to piss me off enough to turn on them. I wanted to be left alone. It was probably better for everyone if they did. There were no words that were going to make me feel better about the situation. I just wanted to hold Jarick's hand and pray next to him. That was the only time I felt at ease.
Thankfully, God blessed me with a very sensitive and understanding daughter. She looked at her Uncle and touched his hand gently, before we made her leave the hospital. Later, my mother-in-law would tell Michael, that Josslyn told her she had talked to God and He had told her everything was going to be ok. Again I broke down. I desperately needed something to believe in and I held onto her little words so tightly, that I had no choice but to believe them. From that point, I knew there could be no more tears in front of Jarick. He needed us to be his strength and have faith in God's plan.
As this experience has unfolded I have learned a lot about myself. I am nowhere near as tough as I thought I was. I can't go through this life only relying on myself like I thought I could. Having support is the only thing that has kept me going lately. Each day has been a struggle, but slowly we all understood that this was happening; accept the reality, and deal with the moment in front of you. As hard a time as I have had with doctors lately, I decided to let go and allow myself to trust that they were doing everything they could for him. None of us had control of this situation, so I released myself from the angst, guilt, and selfish need to try to fix things, and just loved my brother and family as hard as I could.
Now when I hear this song, all I think about is the love I have for one of the most important people in my life; so even when I know I can't, I will still try and fix you.
I put on a bold face and positive attitude while driving to the hospital, but that facade didn't last long. The moment I walked into the ER, they were telling my mom that they had found an abnormal mass. The look on her face will be one of the most vivid memories of this whole thing. I thought I was mentally broken a long time ago, but this was the final straw. I felt like MY life was flashing before me and I was panicked to think of a life without him. I had forgotten how much I needed him. No matter how bad I fuck up, he is always the one to set me straight, but love me regardless. When things are good in my life, he's the first person to be happy for me without a hint of resentment. He is one of my best friends and I had taken him for granted. I needed him more than ever and I felt so pathetic for being weak, selfish, and scared. How could I be so fucking broken down and pitiful when he is the one laying in that bed?! I wanted to give every part of me to trade places with him.
After being scared out of my mind, I was then angry. Irrational, violent anger. Everyone was to blame for this, and if they weren't, they were going to say something to piss me off enough to turn on them. I wanted to be left alone. It was probably better for everyone if they did. There were no words that were going to make me feel better about the situation. I just wanted to hold Jarick's hand and pray next to him. That was the only time I felt at ease.
Thankfully, God blessed me with a very sensitive and understanding daughter. She looked at her Uncle and touched his hand gently, before we made her leave the hospital. Later, my mother-in-law would tell Michael, that Josslyn told her she had talked to God and He had told her everything was going to be ok. Again I broke down. I desperately needed something to believe in and I held onto her little words so tightly, that I had no choice but to believe them. From that point, I knew there could be no more tears in front of Jarick. He needed us to be his strength and have faith in God's plan.
As this experience has unfolded I have learned a lot about myself. I am nowhere near as tough as I thought I was. I can't go through this life only relying on myself like I thought I could. Having support is the only thing that has kept me going lately. Each day has been a struggle, but slowly we all understood that this was happening; accept the reality, and deal with the moment in front of you. As hard a time as I have had with doctors lately, I decided to let go and allow myself to trust that they were doing everything they could for him. None of us had control of this situation, so I released myself from the angst, guilt, and selfish need to try to fix things, and just loved my brother and family as hard as I could.
Now when I hear this song, all I think about is the love I have for one of the most important people in my life; so even when I know I can't, I will still try and fix you.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Now seriously, stop asking.
It has been my stance for awhile now that I'm nearly positive I don't want to have another child. I say nearly, because I'm a woman and hormones change your mind for you all the time. My less hormonal version has decided it's best to have just Josslyn. Everyone likes to ask when the next one is, and I like to shock them and say never. Honestly, it's no one's business, but for some odd reason some people think they're funny when they ask. It's not a joke, and it's actually a serious life choice, so I don't know why they think it's ok to ask. It's just as bad as strangers wanting to rub your pregnant belly or asking you if you plan on breastfeeding. That shit is personal and pretty inappropriate. I don't owe anyone this explanation, but I'm tired of some people trying to shame me into another child with this "only child syndrome bullshit". So here's my bullshit for you. No one has any idea the hell Michael and I went through in the delivery room by ourselves and how scared we were. It's hard to explain to someone that you become physically ill just thinking about the birth of your child. It was supposed to be a happy and wonderful moment, but I didn't get to have that. I barely remember touching my baby before they swept her and Michael off while I laid there drugged, scared and all alone. It was the worst feeling I've ever had. It hurt more than the 3 hours of trying to bring my daughter into this world naturally. Writing this now makes me want to burst into tears. I felt like the worst person in the world when I couldn't give my baby her first bath or hold her before she went to sleep. I just don't feel like reliving those moments. I know it would be different the second time around, but I can't. I feel like I would end up with guilt if it was memorable with the second, like I failed Josslyn in some way. It's silly, I know, but that's my honest feeling. I've also had a lot of health issues since I've had Josslyn. We did talk about having another baby, but it just didn't happen. I felt like a failure yet again; I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and then I couldn't have a baby because of it. I'm still trying to resolve whatever the hell is wrong with my body and have yet to find a doctor that is willing to take my issues seriously. The latest doctor, very nonchalantly, told me that I have an endometrial infection, but I don't have cancer. "Oh just take these antibiotics for a week and you'll be fine." Thank you for making that clear after 4 months of tests. Why did it take so long to figure it out, why is it that I keep having the same issues, and why isn't she helping me find ways to prevent the infections that keep occurring?! It would have been nice to know that she had a serious concern that it might be cancer from the get go. What do I know about my body, it's not like I'm a doctor right?! Yet another reason I've given up. All I want is to feel healthy again. I can't spread myself anymore thin before taking care of myself. I have to be in a better place before I could ever imagine bringing another life into this world. So leave me alone, and stop asking when I'm having another baby because it really might just be never.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Quarter-Life Crisis
Yes, there is such a thing. I'm living it and you can't tell me any different. I thought my previous post would help ease the feeling of being overwhelmed, but no; here I am still stuck in a rut. How do I get away from my own thoughts? It's like my brain will not shut the fuck up and just let me be. I don't want to think about life; I just want to work, sleep and eat for once without a worry. I need a shut off switch. I've tried drinking and it doesn't work. I'm not cut out to be an alcoholic I guess. Somebody save me from myself.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
We're all in the shit.
It has come to my attention that I need a break from life. I got a few calls from my brain while dreaming, and let's just say those dreams have spoken to me loud and clear. The last conversation ended ugggggly. I don't know what's going on lately, but it feels like I'm being pulled into more directions than I can handle. It's nice to be needed, but it's also exhausting. It's especially exhausting when it feels like everyone and their mother wants a piece of you. I like to pretend I'm a little fairy that has all the power I need to keep everyone happy, but in reality I'm up to my knees in shit. I know everyone feels this way once in awhile so I'm not trying to be overly dramatic about my issues. I'm just saying I need to stop all the visual and mental clutter and have a me day. Is that really too much to ask? I'm just admitting a small defeat and trying to remember that I can't forget about myself in this process. I've been neglecting the things I require to be happy AND functioning. If you need to be in my general vicinity at any time, then you know that I become a grumpy bitch if I don't get my minimum. It's not a good look. So if I check out for awhile, you know why.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Best. Shirt. Ever.
Thanks to The Decadent Diva, Des Gonzales, I had to make this into a shirt. Already bought mine lol.
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/customize/product2.aspx?number=581424392&utm_source=buyat
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