And I will try to fix you...

There are moments in life that feel so surreal, that you are almost certain there was no way in hell it happened...except for the fact that it is still happening all around you, every single day.  That's how I have felt for the past 3 weeks.  I have been unbelievably emotional, and some days it feels like my heart will burst.  I'm a pretty emotional person anyway without throwing in a game changer like seeing your brother fighting for his life.  I never ever thought my 22 year old brother could end up in such a scary position.  How do you process the idea of someone so young needing brain surgery?  What is a normal reaction, because I have yet to figure out if I'm processing things right? 

I put on a bold face and positive attitude while driving to the hospital, but that facade didn't last long.  The moment I walked into the ER, they were telling my mom that they had found an abnormal mass.  The look on her face will be one of the most vivid memories of this whole thing.  I thought I was mentally broken a long time ago, but this was the final straw.  I felt like MY life was flashing before me and I was panicked to think of a life without him.  I had forgotten how much I needed him.  No matter how bad I fuck up, he is always the one to set me straight, but love me regardless.  When things are good in my life, he's the first person to be happy for me without a hint of resentment.  He is one of my best friends and I had taken him for granted.  I needed him more than ever and I felt so pathetic for being weak, selfish, and scared.  How could I be so fucking broken down and pitiful when he is the one laying in that bed?!  I wanted to give every part of me to trade places with him.

After being scared out of my mind, I was then angry.  Irrational, violent anger.  Everyone was to blame for this, and if they weren't, they were going to say something to piss me off enough to turn on them.  I wanted to be left alone.  It was probably better for everyone if they did.  There were no words that were going to make me feel better about the situation.  I just wanted to hold Jarick's hand and pray next to him.  That was the only time I felt at ease.

Thankfully, God blessed me with a very sensitive and understanding daughter.  She looked at her Uncle and touched his hand gently, before we made her leave the hospital.  Later, my mother-in-law would tell Michael, that Josslyn told her she had talked to God and He had told her everything was going to be ok.  Again I broke down.  I desperately needed something to believe in and I held onto her little words so tightly, that I had no choice but to believe them.  From that point, I knew there could be no more tears in front of Jarick.  He needed us to be his strength and have faith in God's plan. 

As this experience has unfolded I have learned a lot about myself. I am nowhere near as tough as I thought I was. I can't go through this life only relying on myself like I thought I could.  Having support is the only thing that has kept me going lately.  Each day has been a struggle, but slowly we all understood that this was happening; accept the reality, and deal with the moment in front of you.  As hard a time as I have had with doctors lately, I decided to let go and allow myself to trust that they were doing everything they could for him.  None of us had control of this situation, so I released myself from the angst, guilt, and selfish need to try to fix things, and just loved my brother and family as hard as I could.

Now when I hear this song, all I think about is the love I have for one of the most important people in my life; so even when I know I can't, I will still try and fix you. 

We're all in the shit.

It has come to my attention that I need a break from life.  I got a few calls from my brain while dreaming, and let's just say those dreams have spoken to me loud and clear.  The last conversation ended ugggggly.  I don't know what's going on lately, but it feels like I'm being pulled into more directions than I can handle.  It's nice to be needed, but it's also exhausting.  It's especially exhausting when it feels like everyone and their mother wants a piece of you.  I like to pretend I'm a little fairy that has all the power I need to keep everyone happy, but in reality I'm up to my knees in shit.  I know everyone feels this way once in awhile so I'm not trying to be overly dramatic about my issues.  I'm just saying I need to stop all the visual and mental clutter and have a me day.  Is that really too much to ask?  I'm just admitting a small defeat and trying to remember that I can't forget about myself in this process.  I've been neglecting the things I require to be happy AND functioning.  If you need to be in my general vicinity at any time, then you know that I become a grumpy bitch if I don't get my minimum.  It's not a good look.  So if I check out for awhile, you know why.

Crazy beautiful life!

Ok so I haven't been on here in awhile and honestly it's because I'm fucking busy.  It's a lame ass excuse, but it's true so that's why I'm writing now ok so get off my back. 

The last month has been horrible and here's why.  First, my job of 6 years ended; not happy about that at all.  I was perfectly fine with where I was and then the big shots decided they wanted to retire and make a ton of money.  I would have been psyched about it if I was a big shot. (FML)  May 17th came and it all ended.  I don't even want to talk about the emotional baggage I still have due to being forced into a new job without my best friends.  I'm that sad about it.  So anyway, it's time to find a new job...sounds so easy for the oil and gas business and yet of course that had to be a complete nightmare for me.  I had 2 jobs lined up.  Yep 2, and somehow both of them were crap shoots.  Awesome.  If I didn't have a severance package, shit would of got real right then and there.  Hold it together.  Just hold it together.  That's all I could tell myself to keep from losing it.  We all like happy endings (that's what she said!), so I'm glad to inform you that I found work; just don't want you to worry about me too much lol.  It's been a couple weeks, and all jokes aside, I am in a good place. 

Another thing eating away at me is my daughter growing up.  She is going to be 3 already.  What the hell is happening with all this growing up and getting old shit?!  I didn't sign up for this mom business thinking it would just flash before my eyes!!!  I have to plan her party and I honestly can't bring myself to do it.  For some reason this birthday is especially hard.  I think it's because of the fact that I still see her as my baby and yet she insists on being a diva and trying to do her own thing.  I didn't think I had to worry about this issue until she was at least 13.  WRONG!  She has my personality and attitude that I have now at 26.  If you know me, then you can paint your own picture.  She's a Leo (I prefer hellcat) so that should have been my first clue of where this story was leading.  Let's start with some examples.  She repeats everything she hears.  Not right away mind you, so she'll throw you a curve ball and announce loudly that she sounds like an Asian kid sometimes.  Let me explain.  In my defense, I told her she sounded like Mrs. Swan from MadTV a couple weeks ago.  She did!!!  Stop judging me.  She asked me who that was and I told her it was an Asian lady that was on tv.  Somehow she absorbed that and this is the kind of thing I'm trying to deal with on a daily basis...literally.  I come home from work and I never know what new surprises she's learned from her adventures in the world.  She also likes to yell, "Whoa whoa whoa, muffin top!"  I'm to blame for this also and it was my own muffin top being referred to by the way.  This whole mom thing is hard.  You're still judging...stop it.

So you see it's been quite an eventful couple of weeks for me and I'm assuming it's not gonna end anytime soon.  I've gotten used to being at a new elevated level of stress so I just deal with it.  Life is keeping me on my toes that's for sure.  I will try and be better at blogging more often, mostly for my sake, but because it's fun to share some of the craziness of life with everyone.  It keeps me sane knowing other parents are having just as much fun behind the scenes as we are. :)