Friends and friendships are two totally different things.

In my youth, I used to believe it was near impossible to be friends with girls.  We're moody, unreasonable and mostly annoying if we aren't on the same wave length.  What I didn't realize, is that being young and hormonal causes most of those problems.  Not saying hormones aren't a factor as we get older, but I believe maturity helps deter us from bad people and steer us towards healthy relationships, without sabotaging them with our petty crap.

I'm gonna provide a little back story, so you can all understand how grateful I am for the women in my life today.  It's a longer read, but I feel to do these women justice for how wonderful they are, I need to explain my history of friendships with girls, not women.

Being friends with girls in school was always hit and miss with me.  At least the first friend I made was a complete hit.  I met my best friend, Anita, in Kindergarten and 22 years later, we are still bestie bests.  She knows more about me than anyone, even my husband.  How couldn't she, when she remembers some of the shit I did, that I don't even remember until she reminds me!  Life was grand through elementary school with her.  Even when the other girls hated us for being so close, we wouldn't let anyone come between us.  We didn't need anyone else.  Then life happened, and she had to move.  I was headed into middle school without her.  (Scream appropriate expletive here.)  Having this long standing relationship with her, even when we didn't see each other every day, provided me hope that friendships and relationships could withstand time and distance. 

6th grade in a Denver school, was a whole different story.  I knew a few people that were going to be there, but the thought of nearly starting over was terrifying.  I did not fit in at this school.  I did not have the same attitude or confidence in myself that I do now.  I was meek, quiet, and didn't know my place in the world yet.  I still held my mother's hand in public places for fucks sake.  I was innocent, and the girls there were nothing of the sort.  It was a whole different world, and I stuck out like a lamb among the wolves, and they knew it.  I was easy prey.  My life was hell for that year.  I hated it there and the few friends I did have, were the only way I made it through that horrendous year of bullying.  I begged my mom to move me into a new school.  She put me into a Jeffco school so I could be with my cousin.

Time to start over again.  This time was better.  I still knew I was out of place, but now I had the common sense to stand my ground from the beginning.  Fake it til you make it, right?  I made some awesome friends.  Some of them I still talk to through Facebook.  If it weren't for the social media age, I wouldn't have that luxury though.  It's hard keeping friendships and things in common with people when years have gone by and you haven't seen them face to face.  It's not a bad thing, it's just life. 

Some of those friends flowed over into high school with me.  A lot of the friends I have now are from high school and we didn't even spend much time together back then.  Weird, but totally worth it.  I'll get back to this later. 

High school was a strange time.  A lot of it was spent fighting with the girlfriends I did have.  I don't even know why we fought so much.  There were always sides to be chosen and it was more than likely over a boy.  Typical bullshit and those hormones I told you about.  The ones that outgrew that shit are actually pretty amazing women now.  Most of us are married and/or mothers, and we all found a way to grow up and not hate each other for all the stupid drama back then. 

What I've found though, is that there are some people that come into your life unexpectedly and show you what true, unconditional friendship is.  You find most of these friendships along your adult path, through the things you have in common on a more personal level.  It's not just a friendship based on what home room you share or what guy you want to date.  It's much deeper than that.  I read an article about how the best thing a man can do for his health is marry a woman.  Basically, have a best friend that he could share his feelings with.  Not hunting, sports, or sex talk.  Real talk, feelings.  The best thing a woman can do is grow healthy friendships with other women.  Sharing your feelings is probably the best way to relieve stress in your life, and I have that now through these women. 

So finally, here is my thank you letter to the women that rock my world.

The first and foremost being my mother.  She has always been a best friend, and now that I am a mother myself, I value her friendship more than I ever imagined possible.  She was also the one to show me how to be a true friend to others.  She takes her friendships seriously and is always there for her loved ones.  She's the friend that has every one's birthday written down so she will never forget to send a card or give a birthday call.  Sweetest shit you'll ever see.  I'm not that good yet, but I hope to be one day.

Next, is Anita.  She's my ride or die chick that will never fail me.  We have too much blackmail on each other to let that happen. :)  She has been there for me even when I was an asshole and didn't deserve it.  I can't believe that the first day of Kindergarten I was blessed to find my soul sister.  No matter how long we don't see each other or talk, every time we finally do, we can always pick up where we left off.  No matter what the circumstance, I know she will be there for me, as I will be there for her.

Now, Melissa, my partner in crime.  She is my sister from another mister.  Seriously, she is like my tall, white, blond, opposite sister. :)  Our careers brought us together, but we get to share so much more.  If I ever need something, I know I can call on her.  We treat each other as family.  She is my confidante and advise giver, especially if I need her to be brutally honest.  She is like the sister I never had, and I hope our children will grow up to be like cousins.

Lindsay.  We went through 4 years of high school together and never even hung out.  After high school, we were brought together by mutual friends.  Am I ever thankful for that.  She allows me to be completely inappropriate and never makes me apologize for my lude behavior.  She just gets me, and doesn't ever judge me for who I am.  Having someone like her has shown me, that no matter how I choose to be, I am worthy of being loved.  Good or bad, I will have someone that lets me be wrong.  She brings out the best in people.  I know she will be neutral and fair and sometimes I need that.  She is my balance.

I have met one woman that has brought an abundance of fabulous women into my life, as well as become a permanent fixture among my heroes. She has shown me how to love myself, as is, no excuses. Iman, has brought forth a part of being a woman I didn't know I even had.  When I found that, I found the way to provide my life with only supportive and positive people and nurture relationships I actually value. No more negativity, frenemies, or wasted energy on bad relationships.  From the moment we met, she treated me like she had known me all her life and brought me into her home with a warmth I had never felt.  Who knew that through Google and the love of pin-up, I would gain such a powerful relationship. 

All of the women I have met through her have been just as amazing as she is.  When you meet them or sit in a room with them, you can just sense the energy from all of these women are at one and it's all thanks to Iman.  We are all aware of our potential.  She has shown us that beauty is not skin deep.  She has provided us the power to reject society's ideal of what women are.  She has dispelled the myth that women can't be real friends.  She has helped us evolve into women that empower each other, not belittle.  There are too many of them I would like to thank in here, but they know who they are.  They have lifted me up with their words.  They have treated me as if we've been friends since way back.  They are all wonderful in their own ways, and I love them for being themselves and allowing me the same comfort in my own skin. 

Thanks to all of you for being there when I need it most.  I believe I will live for a long time thanks to having all of you in my life.  There are no words that could explain the gratitude I have for all of you.

And I will try to fix you...

There are moments in life that feel so surreal, that you are almost certain there was no way in hell it happened...except for the fact that it is still happening all around you, every single day.  That's how I have felt for the past 3 weeks.  I have been unbelievably emotional, and some days it feels like my heart will burst.  I'm a pretty emotional person anyway without throwing in a game changer like seeing your brother fighting for his life.  I never ever thought my 22 year old brother could end up in such a scary position.  How do you process the idea of someone so young needing brain surgery?  What is a normal reaction, because I have yet to figure out if I'm processing things right? 

I put on a bold face and positive attitude while driving to the hospital, but that facade didn't last long.  The moment I walked into the ER, they were telling my mom that they had found an abnormal mass.  The look on her face will be one of the most vivid memories of this whole thing.  I thought I was mentally broken a long time ago, but this was the final straw.  I felt like MY life was flashing before me and I was panicked to think of a life without him.  I had forgotten how much I needed him.  No matter how bad I fuck up, he is always the one to set me straight, but love me regardless.  When things are good in my life, he's the first person to be happy for me without a hint of resentment.  He is one of my best friends and I had taken him for granted.  I needed him more than ever and I felt so pathetic for being weak, selfish, and scared.  How could I be so fucking broken down and pitiful when he is the one laying in that bed?!  I wanted to give every part of me to trade places with him.

After being scared out of my mind, I was then angry.  Irrational, violent anger.  Everyone was to blame for this, and if they weren't, they were going to say something to piss me off enough to turn on them.  I wanted to be left alone.  It was probably better for everyone if they did.  There were no words that were going to make me feel better about the situation.  I just wanted to hold Jarick's hand and pray next to him.  That was the only time I felt at ease.

Thankfully, God blessed me with a very sensitive and understanding daughter.  She looked at her Uncle and touched his hand gently, before we made her leave the hospital.  Later, my mother-in-law would tell Michael, that Josslyn told her she had talked to God and He had told her everything was going to be ok.  Again I broke down.  I desperately needed something to believe in and I held onto her little words so tightly, that I had no choice but to believe them.  From that point, I knew there could be no more tears in front of Jarick.  He needed us to be his strength and have faith in God's plan. 

As this experience has unfolded I have learned a lot about myself. I am nowhere near as tough as I thought I was. I can't go through this life only relying on myself like I thought I could.  Having support is the only thing that has kept me going lately.  Each day has been a struggle, but slowly we all understood that this was happening; accept the reality, and deal with the moment in front of you.  As hard a time as I have had with doctors lately, I decided to let go and allow myself to trust that they were doing everything they could for him.  None of us had control of this situation, so I released myself from the angst, guilt, and selfish need to try to fix things, and just loved my brother and family as hard as I could.

Now when I hear this song, all I think about is the love I have for one of the most important people in my life; so even when I know I can't, I will still try and fix you. 

I admit...parenting is hard.

3 years ago I became a mother. I AM SOMEBODY'S FRICKEN MOM! For some reason that still blows my mind if I think about it hard enough and what that kind of responsibility is.  I freak myself out thinking about all the bad shit Josslyn could do to me when she's older if I don't buck up. Scary shit I tell you. Like maybe I'm doing it wrong or maybe I'm doing things too right and she's just gonna flip one day and rebel.  She's already on me daily trying to be the boss and I know she's mirroring me and that scares the hell out of me.  I digress, and I'm starting to panic, so I'm just gonna stop.  Yet I'm sure every parent reading this can feel me when I say I have my doubts about myself as a parent all together.  I had one of those moments when I wanted to listen to my music and thought that maybe it wasn't appropriate for Josslyn to be listening to.  But why?  It's reality and it's out there so she is going to be exposed to it in the long run.  I don't want her to be sheltered.  I want her to be smart in the sense that she knows how to be in the world and not of the world.  I don't believe that video games and music are responsible for bad children.  My father is a musician, and although he doesn't agree with some of my music, I was allowed to appreciate all music.  But unfortunately the music isn't the only thing that I'm doing wrong.  My point is, that I felt bad for that split second and then realized in the next that being a parent isn't black and white and sometimes you're going to do it wrong but your kid will still be OK.  My brother and I were taught as children to do as our parents said and not as they did.  It is a brilliant idea now that I understand it.  We are both stable, healthy, self-sufficient adults, and we're appreciative of our parents and how they raised us.  I want to be that good for Josslyn.  I want her to know that I am not a perfect person or mom but I am just me doing the best that I can while still holding on to who I was before her because there was a different me before becoming her mom.  I was a crazy, loud, funny, potty-mouthed girl that didn't have a care in the world.  Sometimes I notice her and allow her to be free, but I feel like she has to be reigned in.  I don't want my daughter to think her mother is only a cussing, loud-ass that drinks too much wine and falls a lot.  (For the record I don't fall because I drink I'm just clumsy, so don't try calling Intervention or something.)  Yet I do want her to love me as I am, flaws and all; the real me that tries to be open and honest about herself and everything around her.  Whether she sees the fun and outgoing me or the mean, grumpy and disciplining me; I want her to realize one day in her adult life, that everyday, no matter what hat I was wearing, I loved her.  I loved her with all my heart and only wanted to do right by her.  Well I guess that's it.  I'd really prefer it if everyone could just respect my multiple identities from here on out. You don't have to like them all or understand them, but just know the one or two "Danielle's" you do love will come back around at some point and you'll remember why you loved me in the first place.  I just wanted to feel less guilty for being myself and somehow I came out of it successful.  Here's to Josslyn and hoping she comes out successful too. 

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