Release

I am guilty of holding onto a grudge that has no place in my life anymore.  I have been hurt and mad at family, and I've allowed it to fester inside of me instead of just releasing my feelings and being done with it all.  I'm having a hard time putting the first steps into motion on how to approach the situation.  How do I bring up an old issue without causing new ones?  Why do I even care so much?  The one way I know how to relieve this aching is to just write about it.  Eventually, some of this may be what I say to them if I ever get a chance.

I've written about family before, and I feel like this is just an extension to that post.  It is easy to want to fix our family drama, but actually doing it is very complicated.  You think that just because you are a family then they will love you, include you, and hear your feelings.  Wrong.  I now understand that there are politics to family also.  Sometimes you get caught in the crossfire of bullshit that doesn't have anything to do with you, even if you are trying to be neutral.  Being neutral usually gets you nowhere but outcast quickly.  I can literally talk to someone in my family, and that is deemed as taking a side in a fight I had no part of, or knew was occurring.  Immaturity at its finest, but that's here nor there at the moment.

Getting married and becoming a parent were huge eye-openers.  I learned how important my life and my family are to other people.  I saw who was really there and who didn't really want to be.  I could tell the difference easily.  There were those that were active participants in our lives regularly, and then there were those that only saw us once a year.  This made me feel like I wasn't trying hard enough to be in their lives either.  I know life gets busy, and we all have things we need to accomplish.  Sometimes it is hard to be there for each other, especially when you have as large a family as mine.  I gave the benefit of the doubt and kept trying to include people that I thought would want to be there.  Then there came a dose of reality.  Some of those people really do not care, and they aren't afraid of showing it.  I can recognize tension for what it is.  I've been called a lot of things, but dense isn't one of them.  If you don't like me, then I am well aware of it; you can't bullshit a bullshitter.

Some of the family that I looked up to as a child were not anywhere near as close to me as I had thought they would be and were non-existent in my daughter's life.  They didn't call to invite us to things anymore.  If they did, it was simply a formality.  It was clear we weren't really welcome.  I thought that I could ignore the insults of not being invited to certain things, but then I realized it hurt a lot more than I thought.  Why?  Why do I even care?  They clearly do not miss me or my family, so I should just let it go.  Yet I am still overwhelmed with how sad all of it made me feel.  Maybe they would notice and understand if I started excluding them from my life?  Then I realized how ridiculous I was being.  They would never notice I was gone since I had already been removed.  Acting like them only made it worse.  Now they had definitive "reason" to treat me like shit.  The only time it was obvious that there was a problem was at family functions neither of us were in control of.  We must sit in the same room, pretend we don't know each other, and heaven forbid we make eye contact because then we must make nice for everyone else's benefit.  I don't like being uncomfortable or fake.  I think this is why this whole thing is such an issue for me.

My first choice would be to fix it.  I love my family or this obviously wouldn't bother me this way.  I still have many fond memories of my childhood and how they used to be towards me.  If there were a conversation and a solution, I would be happy, even if that meant we went our separate ways.  The second option is to stop the antics.  We're adults and should act as such.  I will not sit next to you and be quiet while you talk to everyone else but me.  I will not allow my daughter to be treated less than everyone else at the table because of your petty shit.  We deserve better than that.  Being strangers is fine by me.  They could avoid making things awkward for everyone around us by not sitting in my immediate vicinity, then trying to desperately avoid me.  You don't like me anymore, fine, move along.

I know I am not guiltless either.  I fully accept that I have played the game and reacted childish.  I am also the younger party to all of it.  If I truly am wrong, I see no reason they couldn't call me out on it as my elder.  They never had a problem correcting me as a child.  I always want to be open to hearing someone's feelings and even apologizing for things I clearly wasn't right on.  Just because I'm a bitch, doesn't mean I lack decency.  If the relationship is open and built on love, there shouldn't be any reason to be uncomfortable doing that.  Yet that is another reason I don't think I will ever have a chance to mend things.  I don't think if I started a conversation that it would even be acknowledged.  I am willing to try, but it is disheartening nonetheless.  Why did the fallout get so far along that we can't talk?  I guess only time will tell if things can get better before they get worse.

Lessons Learned: 

If you aren't treated the way you deserve, then you are allowed to walk away.  Respecting yourself does not mean you are disrespecting your elders.

Family doesn't automatically mean you will like each other.  In fact, I think it is mostly the opposite unless you work at it just like any other relationship.

Reasoning with those that are usually not open to accepting fault, will not work.  Accept the failure of that relationship.

The things that are said about you are irrelevant if they are not said to you.  Let that shit go.

There are people that love you and want to be a part of your life.  Eventually, you will notice who and what are a priority.  Love those people with all that you have and always put them first.   Your energy and efforts should always be put towards them.

Bringing Out The Big Guns

I'm getting really fucking tired of hearing about gun bans.  There is no way in hell you are going to convince me that we are all safer if we lose the right to bear arms.  Do you really think you will be safe out in this fucked up world if we take guns away from the sane, rational people that followed the LAW to get a gun for safety in the first place?  Will you be happy if a gun ban is in place, and a criminal breaks into your home with a gun, so now you and your family are completely helpless?  If you really feel that the answer to either of those questions is yes, then I think you are being naive.  I think you are being dishonest with yourself about how corrupt our world really is.  You are going to have a very small percentage of survival against a psychopath if your only plan for defense is your own two hands. You are not fucking Batman, so stop kidding yourself.   

Yes, some of those guns have been misused or improperly handled.  I completely understand that there is a problem there.  I don't approve of gun owners leaving their guns around for just anyone to get a hold of whenever they damn well please.  That in itself is a whole different issue.  How do you keep the guns, needed for safety, away from the crazy people that are quite possibly family members?  There is no good answer for that and there are a lot of issues in our society that will never be fixed.  I hear lots of simple answers, and none of them solve these complex problems.  All I know, is that no amount of laws or restrictions we create, are going to keep the deranged and evil people from finding ways around them.  Taking away my right to feel safe isn't going to help either.

Watch Demolition Man and take notes, especially this part when Simon Phoenix is in The Hall of Violence.

A perfect little world being disrupted by a bad guy who doesn't care about that perfect little world.

So go ahead and ban guns today; tomorrow some asshole will find a different weapon to fuck shit up.  Keep passing over the warning signs of the mentally disturbed and pumping their brains full of chemical fixes.  Let's make ourselves weaker and teach our children not to defend themselves, so that a new breed of monster can swoop in and take us all as prey. 

I know I would feel a whole lot better about sending my daughter to school if her teachers were educated on gun safety and were allowed to protect her like this:

 

 

Call me extreme, but I believe this is what our country has come to need.  America is not so sweet and wholesome that this should be shocking.  I know that arming teachers isn't the one and only solution to school shootings. It is a small step that would temporarily keep SOME of the crazies away from our children.  Yes, there will be a level of innocence lost as they have to see their teachers carry a gun.  They will have to be taught and prepared for the situations that may deem those guns necessary.  Wouldn't it be better to explain the horrors of the world, rather than let them bear witness to it?  At least their lives are protected, and bottom line, that's all I care about.

 

So, go ahead and argue with me that you think a ban is better.  You aren't going to convince me and I bet eventually, you won't be able to convince yourself.  If we keep allowing responsibility to be placed on objects and not people, these motherfuckers will use it as the easy way out. They will keep using the insanity plea because they didn't know right from wrong, their parents didn't love them, they are mentally ill...blah blah blah.  I don't care.  If mental illness is truly the case, then we are failing the families that need our help with their sick children. 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html

 

No one seems to care about how mentally ill the individual is once they have committed these crimes.  They monsterize them, then blame the gun they used.  We yell at the government to fix things.  We pretend the issues aren't coming from within our own homes. We lock the killer up, throw away the key, and get comfortable with our lives.  We forget the fear and heartache, and then we forget that there are issues still not being addressed.  Then one morning another person has walked into a school, church, whatever, and done it all over again;  all because we keep blaming guns and inviting assholes into "safe" places that have no plan of defense, so they know, no one is there to shoot back.  Seems logical, right?





Reflecting on a tragedy...

When I get scared and overwhelmed, I tend to clam up and find myself needing to write.  Now is one of those times.  I don't know how else to express myself at the moment. 

I have so many emotions as I scroll through Facebook and read the news updates about the senseless acts of one man that decided to take innocent people's lives.  I feel panic as I realize that someone I know could possibly be hurt.  It is just way too close.  I find relief from a simple email to know that my brother is ok.  It's all these little things that start adding up to my extreme stress.  My heart and my stomach are in a battle for room in my body, as I feel like my body is collapsing in upon itself.  Eyes wide and throat tight, you can't understand why it hurts so bad.

I'm reliving all the feelings I felt the day I was watching the news and heard about Columbine.  A slow flow of panic washes over you as you try and figure out how to deal with information like this. 

I am that 8th grade girl innocently watching television in her student aid class just grading papers.  I am that girl that is finding out that kids have been ruthlessly murdered.  I am that girl that isn't supposed to know that this is all happening in real time.  My teacher was so upset that I had found out that way.  I was told not to say anything to the other students as they flooded in the room.  How do you sit still and in quiet with information like that?

Something so shocking takes the innocence and naivety out of a person almost immediately.  You realize the world really can be as bad as the supposed fictional world of books and movies.  Life is fragile.  Why do we forget that so easily?  I wish I didn't have to have all these emotions again, but it is a loud and clear reminder to live and love hard.  It could be the last time you get to hold someone you love.

Shit I've Been Up To

I haven't posted on here in awhile, so here are someecards I created.  I've also included fun stuff I've pinned on Pinterest. ---> Feisty Cupcake Pins!

Bittersweet

With every accomplishment of passing to the next grade or receiving an award for an achievement, I remember my parents with tears in their eyes.  I never understood why they seemed so sad, I only remember them saying, "You will understand one day when you are a parent."  They were right.

My heart feels heavy and full with happiness, pride, and also sadness.  I never knew watching my daughter grow up would be so beautiful and tragic all at the same time.  I could never have imagined how fulfilling it would be to pass life's experiences on to another human being.  Of course it was fun to start playing the games I loved as a child, as well as buying the toys I once adored, but passing knowledge to my daughter is proving to be the most amazing and rewarding thing I've ever done.  It's hard to watch her work on her letters and numbers and try to muffle the crack in my voice and hide the tears. 

Soon she will be in Montessori and I will have to come to terms that she will learn new things from a teacher, her friends, and the world.  I'm positive that's the scariest thing I've ever thought of...EVER.  It has been a very bittersweet night for this mama.

True story!

Ladies, you should read this.

Women!  We need to take a lesson from men on how to properly use the art of competition.  Yes, they have done one thing right since the beginning of time.  That's the only thing I will admit to at the moment.  Must retain balance and order in the battle of the sexes.  Competition is healthy if done correctly, and from my stand point, I don't see women using it correctly 90% of the time.  Men compete to prove that they are dominant exactly as they are.  Women compete to try and fill a void they think is within themselves.  Wrong!  You want to be the best that YOU can be, not trying to be the best at every damn thing just cause another gal is doing something right for herself!  Let that girl get hers and you just get yours. 

 I'm sick of women feeling like they have to constantly compare themselves to each other.  I used to do it and it ate away at my soul.  We are not meant to be like anyone else.  Why are we constantly trying to attain something that is absolutely not right for us?  There is only so much time we have on this Earth, so we need to stop wasting it attacking others that are only being and doing what God put them here for.  Be passionate about what really makes you happy.  You are not going to be any happier trying to be really good at something you never wanted to do.

One more thing.  Stop trying to be what you think everyone else thinks beautiful is.  Here's a clue...beauty is fluid; you're not going to figure out what anyone else will find beautiful.  It will never be just one standard.  Even if a magazine tries to tell you it is and force it down your throat that you are flawed, you just tell that voice in your head to shut its dirty mouth and move the fuck on.  That archaic bullshit of how we find our self-worth has to stop.  We have become so much more than anyone "back then" wanted us to be.  It's about time we start acting accordingly, ladies.

Throughout my life I've been made fun of because I'm short, I have too fair of skin, my butt is too big, I'm loud and obnoxious, I had crooked teeth, therefore had braces, which led to duck lips...I could go on and on, but it's pointless really.  Most of those things were temporary and the rest I have learned to embrace as my own unique beauty.  Everyone has the mean voices still in their head. I still hear those words and see the people that said them.  I'm over all that shit.  I have faced the fact that it was merely building me into who I am.  I will never again waste time wanting to be someone I'm not and I will not apologize for who I am.

For the women that can hear what I'm saying, just stop it.  Love yourself just the way you are at this moment.  Once you can just accept you and realize that what you have is good enough, then everything else in life comes together.  There are people that love you with everything they have and those are the people that you need to be around.  The negative people will need to be removed from your life.  If they refuse to stop hurting you with their words, then you don't need them.  You don't need that kind of "tough love".  Don't let them damage you beyond repair.  I know there are going to be some people that can't be saved.  It's hard to drop bad habits and learn new behaviors.  You just have to be willing to open your eyes. 

I want every woman in my life to feel the way I feel about myself.  I'm willing to help, if you're willing to let me.  At this moment in my life, I am the happiest I have ever been in every aspect of my life. It's taken a lot of work, but I've gotten there. I am happy as a wife, mother, friend, family member, employee or whatever other label people have thrown upon me. Every day is a toss up but how I face my trials has changed, and that has been the biggest victory of all my battles.

People are assholes.

Everything I have in my life is because I decided that's what I wanted and I worked hard for it.  I'm not saying I haven't had help along the way. I also know I've been in situations where it was the right place and the right time, but I took advantage of those moments and ran with them.  I'm looking back on my life since I became an "adult" and I'm pretty damn proud of who I am and what I've accomplished.

Then there are some people that like shit handed to them.  I don't.  Sure I was given life, but that was a gift, so that doesn't count.

I've recently realized some pretty disappointing facts in life due to shitty people and their actions.  I'm trying to keep from losing faith in mankind all together.  People will steal.  They don't care who you are.  I had to learn a lesson that just because someone is nice to your face and you invite them into your home, doesn't mean they won't rob you blind if the chance arises.  I will not let this make me feel like I was betrayed.  I will also not allow myself to be vulnerable again. 

I can't stop people from being assholes, so I'm just gonna keep on doing the best I can as a human being and do right.  I will continue to work hard for my daughter.  I will raise her to do the same for herself and for her family.  I will never again be in the position where I don't know the caliber of person that is in my home and I will make damn sure to protect what is rightfully mine.

So a big FUCK YOU to whoever thought stealing from me was a good idea.  Good luck to you when karma comes around, and even more luck to you if I find out who you are.

God damn it, Broncos!

Friends and friendships are two totally different things.

In my youth, I used to believe it was near impossible to be friends with girls.  We're moody, unreasonable and mostly annoying if we aren't on the same wave length.  What I didn't realize, is that being young and hormonal causes most of those problems.  Not saying hormones aren't a factor as we get older, but I believe maturity helps deter us from bad people and steer us towards healthy relationships, without sabotaging them with our petty crap.

I'm gonna provide a little back story, so you can all understand how grateful I am for the women in my life today.  It's a longer read, but I feel to do these women justice for how wonderful they are, I need to explain my history of friendships with girls, not women.

Being friends with girls in school was always hit and miss with me.  At least the first friend I made was a complete hit.  I met my best friend, Anita, in Kindergarten and 22 years later, we are still bestie bests.  She knows more about me than anyone, even my husband.  How couldn't she, when she remembers some of the shit I did, that I don't even remember until she reminds me!  Life was grand through elementary school with her.  Even when the other girls hated us for being so close, we wouldn't let anyone come between us.  We didn't need anyone else.  Then life happened, and she had to move.  I was headed into middle school without her.  (Scream appropriate expletive here.)  Having this long standing relationship with her, even when we didn't see each other every day, provided me hope that friendships and relationships could withstand time and distance. 

6th grade in a Denver school, was a whole different story.  I knew a few people that were going to be there, but the thought of nearly starting over was terrifying.  I did not fit in at this school.  I did not have the same attitude or confidence in myself that I do now.  I was meek, quiet, and didn't know my place in the world yet.  I still held my mother's hand in public places for fucks sake.  I was innocent, and the girls there were nothing of the sort.  It was a whole different world, and I stuck out like a lamb among the wolves, and they knew it.  I was easy prey.  My life was hell for that year.  I hated it there and the few friends I did have, were the only way I made it through that horrendous year of bullying.  I begged my mom to move me into a new school.  She put me into a Jeffco school so I could be with my cousin.

Time to start over again.  This time was better.  I still knew I was out of place, but now I had the common sense to stand my ground from the beginning.  Fake it til you make it, right?  I made some awesome friends.  Some of them I still talk to through Facebook.  If it weren't for the social media age, I wouldn't have that luxury though.  It's hard keeping friendships and things in common with people when years have gone by and you haven't seen them face to face.  It's not a bad thing, it's just life. 

Some of those friends flowed over into high school with me.  A lot of the friends I have now are from high school and we didn't even spend much time together back then.  Weird, but totally worth it.  I'll get back to this later. 

High school was a strange time.  A lot of it was spent fighting with the girlfriends I did have.  I don't even know why we fought so much.  There were always sides to be chosen and it was more than likely over a boy.  Typical bullshit and those hormones I told you about.  The ones that outgrew that shit are actually pretty amazing women now.  Most of us are married and/or mothers, and we all found a way to grow up and not hate each other for all the stupid drama back then. 

What I've found though, is that there are some people that come into your life unexpectedly and show you what true, unconditional friendship is.  You find most of these friendships along your adult path, through the things you have in common on a more personal level.  It's not just a friendship based on what home room you share or what guy you want to date.  It's much deeper than that.  I read an article about how the best thing a man can do for his health is marry a woman.  Basically, have a best friend that he could share his feelings with.  Not hunting, sports, or sex talk.  Real talk, feelings.  The best thing a woman can do is grow healthy friendships with other women.  Sharing your feelings is probably the best way to relieve stress in your life, and I have that now through these women. 

So finally, here is my thank you letter to the women that rock my world.

The first and foremost being my mother.  She has always been a best friend, and now that I am a mother myself, I value her friendship more than I ever imagined possible.  She was also the one to show me how to be a true friend to others.  She takes her friendships seriously and is always there for her loved ones.  She's the friend that has every one's birthday written down so she will never forget to send a card or give a birthday call.  Sweetest shit you'll ever see.  I'm not that good yet, but I hope to be one day.

Next, is Anita.  She's my ride or die chick that will never fail me.  We have too much blackmail on each other to let that happen. :)  She has been there for me even when I was an asshole and didn't deserve it.  I can't believe that the first day of Kindergarten I was blessed to find my soul sister.  No matter how long we don't see each other or talk, every time we finally do, we can always pick up where we left off.  No matter what the circumstance, I know she will be there for me, as I will be there for her.

Now, Melissa, my partner in crime.  She is my sister from another mister.  Seriously, she is like my tall, white, blond, opposite sister. :)  Our careers brought us together, but we get to share so much more.  If I ever need something, I know I can call on her.  We treat each other as family.  She is my confidante and advise giver, especially if I need her to be brutally honest.  She is like the sister I never had, and I hope our children will grow up to be like cousins.

Lindsay.  We went through 4 years of high school together and never even hung out.  After high school, we were brought together by mutual friends.  Am I ever thankful for that.  She allows me to be completely inappropriate and never makes me apologize for my lude behavior.  She just gets me, and doesn't ever judge me for who I am.  Having someone like her has shown me, that no matter how I choose to be, I am worthy of being loved.  Good or bad, I will have someone that lets me be wrong.  She brings out the best in people.  I know she will be neutral and fair and sometimes I need that.  She is my balance.

I have met one woman that has brought an abundance of fabulous women into my life, as well as become a permanent fixture among my heroes. She has shown me how to love myself, as is, no excuses. Iman, has brought forth a part of being a woman I didn't know I even had.  When I found that, I found the way to provide my life with only supportive and positive people and nurture relationships I actually value. No more negativity, frenemies, or wasted energy on bad relationships.  From the moment we met, she treated me like she had known me all her life and brought me into her home with a warmth I had never felt.  Who knew that through Google and the love of pin-up, I would gain such a powerful relationship. 

All of the women I have met through her have been just as amazing as she is.  When you meet them or sit in a room with them, you can just sense the energy from all of these women are at one and it's all thanks to Iman.  We are all aware of our potential.  She has shown us that beauty is not skin deep.  She has provided us the power to reject society's ideal of what women are.  She has dispelled the myth that women can't be real friends.  She has helped us evolve into women that empower each other, not belittle.  There are too many of them I would like to thank in here, but they know who they are.  They have lifted me up with their words.  They have treated me as if we've been friends since way back.  They are all wonderful in their own ways, and I love them for being themselves and allowing me the same comfort in my own skin. 

Thanks to all of you for being there when I need it most.  I believe I will live for a long time thanks to having all of you in my life.  There are no words that could explain the gratitude I have for all of you.

This is my final disclaimer.

If you haven't learned by now that I will probably say anything and everything that comes to my mind, you aren't learning quick enough.  If you don't like what I have to say, please do us both a favor and remove me from your life.  I don't plan on filtering myself anymore than I already do anytime soon.  I understand that my sense of humor is an acquired taste, but more often than not, I am just being funny because I find myself hysterical and have to share that with the world.  Most people get it!  The others, well...not so much.  That's fine.  I don't yell at anyone on their statuses about how they're doing it wrong (unless you are grammatically incorrect and I'll probably have to delete you before I hurt your feelings lol).  I appreciate what people put out into the world and take what I want from it and leave it at that.  If you disagree with something I say, attacking me from behind a computer won't help.  You're not gonna be able to fix me from there.  Trust me.  If anything, I'll digress and rebel just for the hell of it, and make you hate me more than you thought possible.  True story. 

Life isn't that fucken serious people.  Drama is not what I'm looking for when I write something.  I mostly just want to make people smile or laugh, cause smiling is my favorite. :)  If you get that, we can be friends.  If not, don't let the virtual door hit your uptight ass on the way out.  I'd hate to see that stick shoved up there any further.

I DID IT!!!

I'm gloating on here because this is the only place I feel like I can get away with it.

I've got back down to my pre-pregnancy weight of 110 on December 31, 2011!!!

I fear if I tell anyone that's not in my family, that they will look at me with disdain instead of happiness.  I have always been petite and I feel like people treat that as a negative thing towards themselves, therefore it ends up backfiring on me when they tell me that I don't really have a weight problem and I shouldn't even be talking about it.  Why can't I be proud of the fact that I worked hard to self-discipline myself and kick bad habits so I could lose the last 15 lbs. that have been haunting me? 

Either way, I'm excited to see that number on the scale and feel healthy again.  It's not so much about that stupid number because now that I've reached it, I would be happy to just stay within close range of it.  It is more about what that number means to me and how hard I've worked to get back to it.  3+ years of fighting with myself to finally actually do what I said I would after having Josslyn.  Emotional and actual weight off my soul.

Hey baby, what's your sign?

I am an Aquarius/Pisces.  If you think astrology is silly, you should probably stop reading now.  I'm in a silly mood.

Being on the cusp of two signs explains why I probably feel bipolar most days; lately it has been everyday.  Usually when I read my horoscope, I think I'm more Aquarius, but if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm a Pisces. I am literally a walking contradiction.  I'm here to admit that my horoscope reading and research has led me to some very interesting and real truths about myself.  I'm going to try and focus on why I am always on the fence when it comes to most situations in my life, based off the stars.  This is therapy for me so stop laughing.

Here's a little breakdown about each sign from the world wide web (see http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aquarius.htm) if you want to check out the full article, as well as the other signs).

Aquarius is the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence. Aquarius are the people who deviate from the crowd and go their own way. They are always after intellectual stimulation, constantly discovering something new, forming new opinions and stubbornly traveling their way regardless of what other people think. Aquarius are filled with paradoxes, they are interested in the opposite ends of the spectrum, they like to be alone yet are social butterflies, they like to experience both sides and see both opinions as they formulate new ideas with their forward thinking, active mind. Aquarius have a 'live and let live' policy where everyone is free to be themselves, an Aquarius never judges others because as human beings, we are all equal and entitled to our own opinions. They are verbally skilled and very witty, they observe people and learn how to interact with others through observation. They can be masters of manipulation justifying anything they do or think. As a result, they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation. They welcome change because boredom is their enemy. Anything new is an opportunity to Aquarius. Aquarius can act as an expert on any topic, they are very good at inflating their own importance, they feel it is deserved because their eccentricity makes them unique. Conventional people beware, Aquarius likes to shock and deviate from the norm, this is how they live. Aquarius is known to pick at anyone they find weak or dull-minded. It is simply an easy target for verbal exercise for them, no harm is meant but it might be taken from the other person. Deep inside, Aquarius would never intentionally hurt anyone, they have respect for every human, even though this might not seem apparent to the more emotional types.

Pisces is the sign of mysticism, mystery and the spiritual unknown. Pisces live in two worlds, the real world and the spiritual or mystical world where they interpret what they see into what they want. They do this to avoid all the realities of pain and suffering in the world. They have extremes of emotions and feel both good and bad intensively. Pisces have formidable intuitive ability. Most Pisces are somehow involved with occult or spiritualism. Pisces are very good at understanding people for they have the ability to delve into the psyche and see behind a person's motivations. Pisces are prone to drug addiction and indulging lifestyles because of their eternal search for themselves and their fear of confrontation and having to change a situation, also they justify drug use by allowing it to get closer with their 'spiritual selves'. Once they are aware this is why they are doing it, it will be easier to kick the habit. Pisces are not the pushovers that they may seem, in fact they have strength of character and will stand up for what they believe in and and they can do hard work for something they believe in. They can be very lazy but only in matters that they do not care about. Pisces is the most sensitive of all zodiac signs.

I bet if you know me and we're close, you were probably shaking your head yes and laughing when you could see the parts that sounded like me.  So now do you see my dilemma?  If you didn't catch it or were too lazy to actually read the whole thing, I went ahead and highlighted it for you.  Both of these signs are already kinda two-faced as it is and here I am with both.  I'm a hot mess according to this.  Thankfully I don't believe everything I read and neither should you.  :)  Now I can write about how I feel some of these characteristics apply to me.

First, let's talk about how this fight between two signs plays out with my friendships.  When it comes to my true friends, I am most definitely a Pisces.  I will go to the ends of the Earth to help them if they need me.  Those of you know how I hold things down.  Yes, they know who they are.  Thankfully my Aquarius side keeps me and the fake friends in check though .  No one will ever take my kindness and generosity as an invitation to treat me like a doormat.  I can easily detach myself from a person if they wrong me.  I have no problem leaving your ass in my past.  In this case, I'm glad that I have both sides.  I have some fucking amazing friends and have gladly ridden myself of the assholes that couldn't keep up.

Love.  Now for the fun complications.  This is probably where the two sides do not get along the most.  I am more Aquarius as far as the ways of the heart.  I was raised to always take care of myself and be independent, so that is very much ingrained in me.  I do not require constant attention or a ton of affection but when I need it, I want it all or nothing.  Yet the Pisces side of me is still a romantic, so don't think I don't like all that gushy shit just cause I'm not needy or clingy.  I also try to be nurturing, although I think it comes off as nagging and overbearing since I'm not as soft around the edges.  My poor husband.  That is all I'm gonna say about that.

Next up, religion.  I'm not about it.  I am all about spirituality and a higher being, but I refuse to be a part of an organized religion.  Straight Pisces right there.  This drives a majority of my family nuts.  It's ok though, because My God rocks and loves me just the way I am.   The Aquarius in me likes to explore other religions and find pieces that feel "at one" with what I already believe.  I wholeheartedly believe that there are threads of truth in all religions and that it's naive to think that only one could be the end all and be all. 

Josslyn is always my first and foremost but I saved the best for last. I never would have thought motherhood and astrology would ever relate, but her and I are already butting heads and I blame it on her being a Leo.  I'm still not quite sure whether my Aquarius or Pisces side is more dominant yet as far as parenting her. At this point in the game, I'm still winning with my logic, sarcasm, and stubborness, thanks to Aquarius.  Her lion mentality has put me in quite the predicament. I appreciate the fact that she is growing up with a strong will and her own opinions, but I would love if it wasn't at the expense of my nerves. She pushes all the right buttons and yelling matches have already begun.  I'm seriously on high alert for the teenage Josslyn to hit way earlier than 13. 

So there you have it.  Now you have even more excuses to think I'm crazy, but it was kind of nice to see how some traits do come into play in my day to day life.  Not saying horoscopes are the Bible or anything, but I must say they do come close sometimes.  Worry about me when I start believing all my fortune cookies and playing the lottery with the lucky numbers on the back.  Until then, I shall continue my horoscope reading and also be checking up on some of you fools too.  I know you...and I know you better than you think. ;) 

And I will try to fix you...

There are moments in life that feel so surreal, that you are almost certain there was no way in hell it happened...except for the fact that it is still happening all around you, every single day.  That's how I have felt for the past 3 weeks.  I have been unbelievably emotional, and some days it feels like my heart will burst.  I'm a pretty emotional person anyway without throwing in a game changer like seeing your brother fighting for his life.  I never ever thought my 22 year old brother could end up in such a scary position.  How do you process the idea of someone so young needing brain surgery?  What is a normal reaction, because I have yet to figure out if I'm processing things right? 

I put on a bold face and positive attitude while driving to the hospital, but that facade didn't last long.  The moment I walked into the ER, they were telling my mom that they had found an abnormal mass.  The look on her face will be one of the most vivid memories of this whole thing.  I thought I was mentally broken a long time ago, but this was the final straw.  I felt like MY life was flashing before me and I was panicked to think of a life without him.  I had forgotten how much I needed him.  No matter how bad I fuck up, he is always the one to set me straight, but love me regardless.  When things are good in my life, he's the first person to be happy for me without a hint of resentment.  He is one of my best friends and I had taken him for granted.  I needed him more than ever and I felt so pathetic for being weak, selfish, and scared.  How could I be so fucking broken down and pitiful when he is the one laying in that bed?!  I wanted to give every part of me to trade places with him.

After being scared out of my mind, I was then angry.  Irrational, violent anger.  Everyone was to blame for this, and if they weren't, they were going to say something to piss me off enough to turn on them.  I wanted to be left alone.  It was probably better for everyone if they did.  There were no words that were going to make me feel better about the situation.  I just wanted to hold Jarick's hand and pray next to him.  That was the only time I felt at ease.

Thankfully, God blessed me with a very sensitive and understanding daughter.  She looked at her Uncle and touched his hand gently, before we made her leave the hospital.  Later, my mother-in-law would tell Michael, that Josslyn told her she had talked to God and He had told her everything was going to be ok.  Again I broke down.  I desperately needed something to believe in and I held onto her little words so tightly, that I had no choice but to believe them.  From that point, I knew there could be no more tears in front of Jarick.  He needed us to be his strength and have faith in God's plan. 

As this experience has unfolded I have learned a lot about myself. I am nowhere near as tough as I thought I was. I can't go through this life only relying on myself like I thought I could.  Having support is the only thing that has kept me going lately.  Each day has been a struggle, but slowly we all understood that this was happening; accept the reality, and deal with the moment in front of you.  As hard a time as I have had with doctors lately, I decided to let go and allow myself to trust that they were doing everything they could for him.  None of us had control of this situation, so I released myself from the angst, guilt, and selfish need to try to fix things, and just loved my brother and family as hard as I could.

Now when I hear this song, all I think about is the love I have for one of the most important people in my life; so even when I know I can't, I will still try and fix you. 

Now seriously, stop asking.

It has been my stance for awhile now that I'm nearly positive I don't want to have another child.  I say nearly, because I'm a woman and hormones change your mind for you all the time.  My less hormonal version has decided it's best to have just Josslyn.  Everyone likes to ask when the next one is, and I like to shock them and say never.  Honestly, it's no one's business, but for some odd reason some people think they're funny when they ask.  It's not a joke, and it's actually a serious life choice, so I don't know why they think it's ok to ask.  It's just as bad as strangers wanting to rub your pregnant belly or asking you if you plan on breastfeeding.  That shit is personal and pretty inappropriate.  I don't owe anyone this explanation, but I'm tired of some people trying to shame me into another child with this "only child syndrome bullshit".  So here's my bullshit for you.  No one has any idea the hell Michael and I went through in the delivery room by ourselves and how scared we were.  It's hard to explain to someone that you become physically ill just thinking about the birth of your child.  It was supposed to be a happy and wonderful moment, but I didn't get to have that.  I barely remember touching my baby before they swept her and Michael off while I laid there drugged, scared and all alone.  It was the worst feeling I've ever had.  It hurt more than the 3 hours of trying to bring my daughter into this world naturally.  Writing this now makes me want to burst into tears.  I felt like the worst person in the world when I couldn't give my baby her first bath or hold her before she went to sleep. I just don't feel like reliving those moments.  I know it would be different the second time around, but I can't.  I feel like I would end up with guilt if it was memorable with the second, like I failed Josslyn in some way.  It's silly, I know, but that's my honest feeling.  I've also had a lot of health issues since I've had Josslyn.  We did talk about having another baby, but it just didn't happen.  I felt like a failure yet again; I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and then I couldn't have a baby because of it.  I'm still trying to resolve whatever the hell is wrong with my body and have yet to find a doctor that is willing to take my issues seriously.  The latest doctor, very nonchalantly, told me that I have an endometrial infection, but I don't have cancer.  "Oh just take these antibiotics for a week and you'll be fine."   Thank you for making that clear after 4 months of tests.  Why did it take so long to figure it out, why is it that I keep having the same issues, and why isn't she helping me find ways to prevent the infections that keep occurring?!  It would have been nice to know that she had a serious concern that it might be cancer from the get go.  What do I know about my body, it's not like I'm a doctor right?!    Yet another reason I've given up.  All I want is to feel healthy again.  I can't spread myself anymore thin before taking care of myself.  I have to be in a better place before I could ever imagine bringing another life into this world.  So leave me alone, and stop asking when I'm having another baby because it really might just be never.

Quarter-Life Crisis

Yes, there is such a thing.  I'm living it and you can't tell me any different.  I thought my previous post would help ease the feeling of being overwhelmed, but no; here I am still stuck in a rut.  How do I get away from my own thoughts?  It's like my brain will not shut the fuck up and just let me be.  I don't want to think about life; I just want to work, sleep and eat for once without a worry.  I need a shut off switch.  I've tried drinking and it doesn't work.  I'm not cut out to be an alcoholic I guess.  Somebody save me from myself.

We're all in the shit.

It has come to my attention that I need a break from life.  I got a few calls from my brain while dreaming, and let's just say those dreams have spoken to me loud and clear.  The last conversation ended ugggggly.  I don't know what's going on lately, but it feels like I'm being pulled into more directions than I can handle.  It's nice to be needed, but it's also exhausting.  It's especially exhausting when it feels like everyone and their mother wants a piece of you.  I like to pretend I'm a little fairy that has all the power I need to keep everyone happy, but in reality I'm up to my knees in shit.  I know everyone feels this way once in awhile so I'm not trying to be overly dramatic about my issues.  I'm just saying I need to stop all the visual and mental clutter and have a me day.  Is that really too much to ask?  I'm just admitting a small defeat and trying to remember that I can't forget about myself in this process.  I've been neglecting the things I require to be happy AND functioning.  If you need to be in my general vicinity at any time, then you know that I become a grumpy bitch if I don't get my minimum.  It's not a good look.  So if I check out for awhile, you know why.

Best. Shirt. Ever.

Thanks to The Decadent Diva, Des Gonzales,  I had to make this into a shirt.  Already bought mine lol.

http://www.cafepress.com/cp/customize/product2.aspx?number=581424392&utm_source=buyat

Epiphany

You know that really horrid feeling when you look at an article of clothing and think, "Hey, this is cute; I'm gonna wear it" and once said item is on, you feel completely disgusted by how you look?  Yaaaaa...I've had a few of those moments this year.  I've been trying really hard to eat healthier and watch my boredom eating.  I'm notorious for wanting to eat everything that looks vaguely delicious; therefore I try not to go grocery shopping alone anymore...especially when I'm hungry.  Yet no amount of working out or dieting has helped me lose the weight in my tummy area though.  I mean, an emergency c-section scar is not only a constant reminder that I'm a mom, but also a badge of honor.  I love what it stands for, but I still really fucking hate that scar and all the scar tissue.  I won't even go into the details about my hatred for cellulite either.  It would take entirely too long for me to get my point across.

It's nice when people say you look pretty or compliment you on losing the baby weight. I take it as a compliment for a confidence booster, and also to keep from thinking they are being complete douchebags.  Still, there are just some days that are worse than others and no matter what anyone says, it only comes down to how you feel about yourself.

Well today I decided that I want to feel good about myself regardless of what anyone says or thinks.  I don't care what THAT bitch on THAT magazine looks like.  I'm sure deep down she's counting her blessings there is photoshop just like the rest of us.  I thought back to the time when I was a size 0, and a little part of me was sad that I no longer can wear that size, but most of me was happy that I'm not.  If I think really hard about how happy I actually was when I was that size, I would have to say I really wasn't at all.  I am happier and  more confident with myself now than I ever was back then.  That my friends is one of my finest and greatest epiphanies I have ever had. 

I admit...parenting is hard.

3 years ago I became a mother. I AM SOMEBODY'S FRICKEN MOM! For some reason that still blows my mind if I think about it hard enough and what that kind of responsibility is.  I freak myself out thinking about all the bad shit Josslyn could do to me when she's older if I don't buck up. Scary shit I tell you. Like maybe I'm doing it wrong or maybe I'm doing things too right and she's just gonna flip one day and rebel.  She's already on me daily trying to be the boss and I know she's mirroring me and that scares the hell out of me.  I digress, and I'm starting to panic, so I'm just gonna stop.  Yet I'm sure every parent reading this can feel me when I say I have my doubts about myself as a parent all together.  I had one of those moments when I wanted to listen to my music and thought that maybe it wasn't appropriate for Josslyn to be listening to.  But why?  It's reality and it's out there so she is going to be exposed to it in the long run.  I don't want her to be sheltered.  I want her to be smart in the sense that she knows how to be in the world and not of the world.  I don't believe that video games and music are responsible for bad children.  My father is a musician, and although he doesn't agree with some of my music, I was allowed to appreciate all music.  But unfortunately the music isn't the only thing that I'm doing wrong.  My point is, that I felt bad for that split second and then realized in the next that being a parent isn't black and white and sometimes you're going to do it wrong but your kid will still be OK.  My brother and I were taught as children to do as our parents said and not as they did.  It is a brilliant idea now that I understand it.  We are both stable, healthy, self-sufficient adults, and we're appreciative of our parents and how they raised us.  I want to be that good for Josslyn.  I want her to know that I am not a perfect person or mom but I am just me doing the best that I can while still holding on to who I was before her because there was a different me before becoming her mom.  I was a crazy, loud, funny, potty-mouthed girl that didn't have a care in the world.  Sometimes I notice her and allow her to be free, but I feel like she has to be reigned in.  I don't want my daughter to think her mother is only a cussing, loud-ass that drinks too much wine and falls a lot.  (For the record I don't fall because I drink I'm just clumsy, so don't try calling Intervention or something.)  Yet I do want her to love me as I am, flaws and all; the real me that tries to be open and honest about herself and everything around her.  Whether she sees the fun and outgoing me or the mean, grumpy and disciplining me; I want her to realize one day in her adult life, that everyday, no matter what hat I was wearing, I loved her.  I loved her with all my heart and only wanted to do right by her.  Well I guess that's it.  I'd really prefer it if everyone could just respect my multiple identities from here on out. You don't have to like them all or understand them, but just know the one or two "Danielle's" you do love will come back around at some point and you'll remember why you loved me in the first place.  I just wanted to feel less guilty for being myself and somehow I came out of it successful.  Here's to Josslyn and hoping she comes out successful too. 

Source: naomiberger.tumblr.com via Danielle on Pinterest