Release

I am guilty of holding onto a grudge that has no place in my life anymore.  I have been hurt and mad at family, and I've allowed it to fester inside of me instead of just releasing my feelings and being done with it all.  I'm having a hard time putting the first steps into motion on how to approach the situation.  How do I bring up an old issue without causing new ones?  Why do I even care so much?  The one way I know how to relieve this aching is to just write about it.  Eventually, some of this may be what I say to them if I ever get a chance.

I've written about family before, and I feel like this is just an extension to that post.  It is easy to want to fix our family drama, but actually doing it is very complicated.  You think that just because you are a family then they will love you, include you, and hear your feelings.  Wrong.  I now understand that there are politics to family also.  Sometimes you get caught in the crossfire of bullshit that doesn't have anything to do with you, even if you are trying to be neutral.  Being neutral usually gets you nowhere but outcast quickly.  I can literally talk to someone in my family, and that is deemed as taking a side in a fight I had no part of, or knew was occurring.  Immaturity at its finest, but that's here nor there at the moment.

Getting married and becoming a parent were huge eye-openers.  I learned how important my life and my family are to other people.  I saw who was really there and who didn't really want to be.  I could tell the difference easily.  There were those that were active participants in our lives regularly, and then there were those that only saw us once a year.  This made me feel like I wasn't trying hard enough to be in their lives either.  I know life gets busy, and we all have things we need to accomplish.  Sometimes it is hard to be there for each other, especially when you have as large a family as mine.  I gave the benefit of the doubt and kept trying to include people that I thought would want to be there.  Then there came a dose of reality.  Some of those people really do not care, and they aren't afraid of showing it.  I can recognize tension for what it is.  I've been called a lot of things, but dense isn't one of them.  If you don't like me, then I am well aware of it; you can't bullshit a bullshitter.

Some of the family that I looked up to as a child were not anywhere near as close to me as I had thought they would be and were non-existent in my daughter's life.  They didn't call to invite us to things anymore.  If they did, it was simply a formality.  It was clear we weren't really welcome.  I thought that I could ignore the insults of not being invited to certain things, but then I realized it hurt a lot more than I thought.  Why?  Why do I even care?  They clearly do not miss me or my family, so I should just let it go.  Yet I am still overwhelmed with how sad all of it made me feel.  Maybe they would notice and understand if I started excluding them from my life?  Then I realized how ridiculous I was being.  They would never notice I was gone since I had already been removed.  Acting like them only made it worse.  Now they had definitive "reason" to treat me like shit.  The only time it was obvious that there was a problem was at family functions neither of us were in control of.  We must sit in the same room, pretend we don't know each other, and heaven forbid we make eye contact because then we must make nice for everyone else's benefit.  I don't like being uncomfortable or fake.  I think this is why this whole thing is such an issue for me.

My first choice would be to fix it.  I love my family or this obviously wouldn't bother me this way.  I still have many fond memories of my childhood and how they used to be towards me.  If there were a conversation and a solution, I would be happy, even if that meant we went our separate ways.  The second option is to stop the antics.  We're adults and should act as such.  I will not sit next to you and be quiet while you talk to everyone else but me.  I will not allow my daughter to be treated less than everyone else at the table because of your petty shit.  We deserve better than that.  Being strangers is fine by me.  They could avoid making things awkward for everyone around us by not sitting in my immediate vicinity, then trying to desperately avoid me.  You don't like me anymore, fine, move along.

I know I am not guiltless either.  I fully accept that I have played the game and reacted childish.  I am also the younger party to all of it.  If I truly am wrong, I see no reason they couldn't call me out on it as my elder.  They never had a problem correcting me as a child.  I always want to be open to hearing someone's feelings and even apologizing for things I clearly wasn't right on.  Just because I'm a bitch, doesn't mean I lack decency.  If the relationship is open and built on love, there shouldn't be any reason to be uncomfortable doing that.  Yet that is another reason I don't think I will ever have a chance to mend things.  I don't think if I started a conversation that it would even be acknowledged.  I am willing to try, but it is disheartening nonetheless.  Why did the fallout get so far along that we can't talk?  I guess only time will tell if things can get better before they get worse.

Lessons Learned: 

If you aren't treated the way you deserve, then you are allowed to walk away.  Respecting yourself does not mean you are disrespecting your elders.

Family doesn't automatically mean you will like each other.  In fact, I think it is mostly the opposite unless you work at it just like any other relationship.

Reasoning with those that are usually not open to accepting fault, will not work.  Accept the failure of that relationship.

The things that are said about you are irrelevant if they are not said to you.  Let that shit go.

There are people that love you and want to be a part of your life.  Eventually, you will notice who and what are a priority.  Love those people with all that you have and always put them first.   Your energy and efforts should always be put towards them.

Bringing Out The Big Guns

I'm getting really fucking tired of hearing about gun bans.  There is no way in hell you are going to convince me that we are all safer if we lose the right to bear arms.  Do you really think you will be safe out in this fucked up world if we take guns away from the sane, rational people that followed the LAW to get a gun for safety in the first place?  Will you be happy if a gun ban is in place, and a criminal breaks into your home with a gun, so now you and your family are completely helpless?  If you really feel that the answer to either of those questions is yes, then I think you are being naive.  I think you are being dishonest with yourself about how corrupt our world really is.  You are going to have a very small percentage of survival against a psychopath if your only plan for defense is your own two hands. You are not fucking Batman, so stop kidding yourself.   

Yes, some of those guns have been misused or improperly handled.  I completely understand that there is a problem there.  I don't approve of gun owners leaving their guns around for just anyone to get a hold of whenever they damn well please.  That in itself is a whole different issue.  How do you keep the guns, needed for safety, away from the crazy people that are quite possibly family members?  There is no good answer for that and there are a lot of issues in our society that will never be fixed.  I hear lots of simple answers, and none of them solve these complex problems.  All I know, is that no amount of laws or restrictions we create, are going to keep the deranged and evil people from finding ways around them.  Taking away my right to feel safe isn't going to help either.

Watch Demolition Man and take notes, especially this part when Simon Phoenix is in The Hall of Violence.

A perfect little world being disrupted by a bad guy who doesn't care about that perfect little world.

So go ahead and ban guns today; tomorrow some asshole will find a different weapon to fuck shit up.  Keep passing over the warning signs of the mentally disturbed and pumping their brains full of chemical fixes.  Let's make ourselves weaker and teach our children not to defend themselves, so that a new breed of monster can swoop in and take us all as prey. 

I know I would feel a whole lot better about sending my daughter to school if her teachers were educated on gun safety and were allowed to protect her like this:

 

 

Call me extreme, but I believe this is what our country has come to need.  America is not so sweet and wholesome that this should be shocking.  I know that arming teachers isn't the one and only solution to school shootings. It is a small step that would temporarily keep SOME of the crazies away from our children.  Yes, there will be a level of innocence lost as they have to see their teachers carry a gun.  They will have to be taught and prepared for the situations that may deem those guns necessary.  Wouldn't it be better to explain the horrors of the world, rather than let them bear witness to it?  At least their lives are protected, and bottom line, that's all I care about.

 

So, go ahead and argue with me that you think a ban is better.  You aren't going to convince me and I bet eventually, you won't be able to convince yourself.  If we keep allowing responsibility to be placed on objects and not people, these motherfuckers will use it as the easy way out. They will keep using the insanity plea because they didn't know right from wrong, their parents didn't love them, they are mentally ill...blah blah blah.  I don't care.  If mental illness is truly the case, then we are failing the families that need our help with their sick children. 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-mental-illness-conversation_n_2311009.html

 

No one seems to care about how mentally ill the individual is once they have committed these crimes.  They monsterize them, then blame the gun they used.  We yell at the government to fix things.  We pretend the issues aren't coming from within our own homes. We lock the killer up, throw away the key, and get comfortable with our lives.  We forget the fear and heartache, and then we forget that there are issues still not being addressed.  Then one morning another person has walked into a school, church, whatever, and done it all over again;  all because we keep blaming guns and inviting assholes into "safe" places that have no plan of defense, so they know, no one is there to shoot back.  Seems logical, right?





Reflecting on a tragedy...

When I get scared and overwhelmed, I tend to clam up and find myself needing to write.  Now is one of those times.  I don't know how else to express myself at the moment. 

I have so many emotions as I scroll through Facebook and read the news updates about the senseless acts of one man that decided to take innocent people's lives.  I feel panic as I realize that someone I know could possibly be hurt.  It is just way too close.  I find relief from a simple email to know that my brother is ok.  It's all these little things that start adding up to my extreme stress.  My heart and my stomach are in a battle for room in my body, as I feel like my body is collapsing in upon itself.  Eyes wide and throat tight, you can't understand why it hurts so bad.

I'm reliving all the feelings I felt the day I was watching the news and heard about Columbine.  A slow flow of panic washes over you as you try and figure out how to deal with information like this. 

I am that 8th grade girl innocently watching television in her student aid class just grading papers.  I am that girl that is finding out that kids have been ruthlessly murdered.  I am that girl that isn't supposed to know that this is all happening in real time.  My teacher was so upset that I had found out that way.  I was told not to say anything to the other students as they flooded in the room.  How do you sit still and in quiet with information like that?

Something so shocking takes the innocence and naivety out of a person almost immediately.  You realize the world really can be as bad as the supposed fictional world of books and movies.  Life is fragile.  Why do we forget that so easily?  I wish I didn't have to have all these emotions again, but it is a loud and clear reminder to live and love hard.  It could be the last time you get to hold someone you love.

Shit I've Been Up To

I haven't posted on here in awhile, so here are someecards I created.  I've also included fun stuff I've pinned on Pinterest. ---> Feisty Cupcake Pins!

Bittersweet

With every accomplishment of passing to the next grade or receiving an award for an achievement, I remember my parents with tears in their eyes.  I never understood why they seemed so sad, I only remember them saying, "You will understand one day when you are a parent."  They were right.

My heart feels heavy and full with happiness, pride, and also sadness.  I never knew watching my daughter grow up would be so beautiful and tragic all at the same time.  I could never have imagined how fulfilling it would be to pass life's experiences on to another human being.  Of course it was fun to start playing the games I loved as a child, as well as buying the toys I once adored, but passing knowledge to my daughter is proving to be the most amazing and rewarding thing I've ever done.  It's hard to watch her work on her letters and numbers and try to muffle the crack in my voice and hide the tears. 

Soon she will be in Montessori and I will have to come to terms that she will learn new things from a teacher, her friends, and the world.  I'm positive that's the scariest thing I've ever thought of...EVER.  It has been a very bittersweet night for this mama.

True story!

Ladies, you should read this.

Women!  We need to take a lesson from men on how to properly use the art of competition.  Yes, they have done one thing right since the beginning of time.  That's the only thing I will admit to at the moment.  Must retain balance and order in the battle of the sexes.  Competition is healthy if done correctly, and from my stand point, I don't see women using it correctly 90% of the time.  Men compete to prove that they are dominant exactly as they are.  Women compete to try and fill a void they think is within themselves.  Wrong!  You want to be the best that YOU can be, not trying to be the best at every damn thing just cause another gal is doing something right for herself!  Let that girl get hers and you just get yours. 

 I'm sick of women feeling like they have to constantly compare themselves to each other.  I used to do it and it ate away at my soul.  We are not meant to be like anyone else.  Why are we constantly trying to attain something that is absolutely not right for us?  There is only so much time we have on this Earth, so we need to stop wasting it attacking others that are only being and doing what God put them here for.  Be passionate about what really makes you happy.  You are not going to be any happier trying to be really good at something you never wanted to do.

One more thing.  Stop trying to be what you think everyone else thinks beautiful is.  Here's a clue...beauty is fluid; you're not going to figure out what anyone else will find beautiful.  It will never be just one standard.  Even if a magazine tries to tell you it is and force it down your throat that you are flawed, you just tell that voice in your head to shut its dirty mouth and move the fuck on.  That archaic bullshit of how we find our self-worth has to stop.  We have become so much more than anyone "back then" wanted us to be.  It's about time we start acting accordingly, ladies.

Throughout my life I've been made fun of because I'm short, I have too fair of skin, my butt is too big, I'm loud and obnoxious, I had crooked teeth, therefore had braces, which led to duck lips...I could go on and on, but it's pointless really.  Most of those things were temporary and the rest I have learned to embrace as my own unique beauty.  Everyone has the mean voices still in their head. I still hear those words and see the people that said them.  I'm over all that shit.  I have faced the fact that it was merely building me into who I am.  I will never again waste time wanting to be someone I'm not and I will not apologize for who I am.

For the women that can hear what I'm saying, just stop it.  Love yourself just the way you are at this moment.  Once you can just accept you and realize that what you have is good enough, then everything else in life comes together.  There are people that love you with everything they have and those are the people that you need to be around.  The negative people will need to be removed from your life.  If they refuse to stop hurting you with their words, then you don't need them.  You don't need that kind of "tough love".  Don't let them damage you beyond repair.  I know there are going to be some people that can't be saved.  It's hard to drop bad habits and learn new behaviors.  You just have to be willing to open your eyes. 

I want every woman in my life to feel the way I feel about myself.  I'm willing to help, if you're willing to let me.  At this moment in my life, I am the happiest I have ever been in every aspect of my life. It's taken a lot of work, but I've gotten there. I am happy as a wife, mother, friend, family member, employee or whatever other label people have thrown upon me. Every day is a toss up but how I face my trials has changed, and that has been the biggest victory of all my battles.